badinfluencegirl

the lovely Gillette tagged me for bookish fun and games:

The Rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book.
2. Open to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the next three sentences.
5. Tag a few people.

had I done this anytime in the last month I could have picked up either a Dresden File by Jim Butcher or a Retrieval Artist by Kristin Kathryn Rusch because i just read both series’ in their entirety [not counting anything in hardcover that isn't available in paperback yet]… but no, i had to pick today…

today i’m reading “Getting the Love You Want - A Guide for Couples” by Harville Hendrix PhD and i confess that i can’t believe how good the damned thing is!

my sister handed me this book and suggested that i read it.. since she said it about five minutes after my boyfriend and i had our first major trouble i was willing to listen…

anyway it’s awesome, here’s the three sentences [since it's mid-sentence at the top of the page i picked my favourite three sentences of the two possibilities]:

“My wife, Helen, and I faithfully perform the same exercise that I assign my clients, and the Reromanticizing exercise is one that we have done so many times it has become integrated into our relationship: it’s something we do without thinking. One of the things that I ask Helen to do for me is to turn down the covers before we go to bed. This request comes from an experience I had over forty years ago.”

reromanticizing is an exercise whereby you ‘fake’ the behaviour of early courting. he has found through experience that getting couples to do nice things for each other without keeping score helps to get them feeling more connected and friendly toward each other…

anyway, fascinating stuff…

i tag:

brainiac chick

loving annie

and A. Secret because hell yeah i want to know what lives beside their beds…

unbutton

slide

unzip

caress

whisper

naked

sunlight

sigh

stroke

laugh

sweat

hard

tickle

pant

languid

pinch

soft

flex

wet

pulse

test

gush

stretch

push

groan

throb

ready

pray

penetrate

clench

pulsate

shudder

moan

writhe

release

assent

gasp

buck

stroke

soulgaze

breathe

quake

climax

kiss

cuddle

nuzzle

lick

sniff

bite

squeeze

nibble

suck

swallow

gag

quiver

mount

ride

scream

collapse

sleep

the fabulous folks at babeland sure know how to make friends let me tell you. not only did the nice lady there say excellent things about my blog but she ALSO let me review the delight by fun factory.

the easy answer is that this toy is the exemplar of truth in advertising. it’s a factory full of fun and it really is a delight to play with. it shows up in a beautiful storage case which is also it’s charger and right from the first second you can’t help but admire it’s beautifully curved surfaces and their mix of matte and shiny materials.

as always i have a small beef with the amount of packaging required for these items since they always seem to come in some kind of package that is several times the size of the toy but at least fun factory uses cardboard that i can recycle and makes rechargeable toys. i think that makes it a net win but if we were all to complain about over packaging things might improve.

oops sorry for that little segue into environmentalism. *clears throat* moving on:

the delight is not waterproof but it is water resistant so it’s pretty easy to clean. it’s made of medical grade silicone and high end plastic in a rather ingenious mix that allows the same vibrator to be stronger on your g-spot and not so strong on your clitoris. if you’re at all like me that makes it ideal since i ALWAYS want more juice on the g-spot than the clit.

the controls are pretty simple and are nearly, almost, perfect. fun factory tends to make toys that start out whisper quiet and then steadily increase to a quite strong vibration and then with continued pressure on the ‘plus’ button the steady vibration becomes a series of patterned pulsations [long throbs, quick throbs, quicker throbs] and then the ‘minus’ button runs through the eight levels of steady vibration in reverse and turns off the toy. i especially like that the buttons light up and the center part is a battery indicator.

it’s just that there’s one little thing that i wish. i wish that i could change the pressure or vibration in the throbbing patterns… sometimes it would be nice to do that with a little less than the full strength of the motor. be advised that on first charge this toy will seem weak; it isn’t.

okay so here’s this ingeniously curved little piece of silicone and plastic and it has all these nice features like it’s reasonably quite and rechargeable and it has a nice case and and and but what is it like to fuck?

the short answer? delightful.

i turned this little lovely on and started teasing my already aroused self with it and tried to go through the steps all slowly like and i just couldn’t wait. i just had to slide it inside me (covered in NON-SILICONE lube [might i recommend emerita warming - my review is here]) to see if it felt as good as it looked.

oh my universe did it ever. i found myself easily falling into a rhythm whereby my hips would thrust one way and the toy would slide the other and somehow everything was hitting the toy as it should. you can’t just leave it inside you or you won’t hit your clit with it so you have to rock with it to get it to do what you want. but really now, who isn’t going to rock when playing with an insertable toy?

i did find that i couldn’t quite get myself to orgasm at all times with it inside me. it seemed like if it was hitting my g-spot just so it would sort of miss my clit and if it hit my clit enough it was missing my g a little. i think this would be solved if every woman had the same anatomy or if the motor was just a touch stronger.

that said, i didn’t CARE because when i was ready to actually come i just pulled it out and hit my clitoris with some direct vibrations and very shortly i was pulsing and much more relaxed! furthermore i think that the more you get to know this little wonder the MORE versatile and fully functional it will get. each time i’ve used it it’s been more fun and seemed somehow to ‘fit’ better.

to me this toy is ideal for couples who want to add some spice to their play and for a woman who wants a nice vibrator and some g-spot stimulation. it’s extremely good for those searching for their g-spots because it literally hits the spot first try. a little less awesome for those who need a really strong vibe on their g-spots or those who need constant stimulation of both g and clit to get off. you will need to rock and roll with this toy which is great fun but good to know in advance.

course it’s made to rock so that’s all right :)

all in all i give this toy a four out of five with bonus points for presentation, great materials, rechargeability, instant g-spot finding, and a guaranteed O every time. minus one for controls being a bit hard to use when they’re slippery, not being waterproof, and for not perfectly hitting my own unique anatomy.

still and all i give it the badinfluencegirl seal of approval!

lately, since prostitution has been in the news and since debauchette went on diane sawyer, i’ve been thinking a lot about the hooker myth. well that isn’t quite what i mean but it begins to approach it.

there are, so far as i can tell, two main camps in the sex trade. the choosers and the choosees. as in the women who go into prostitution with their eyes wide open and a keen awareness of what they’re getting into and who are generally more educated and less drug addled versus the ones who tripped all unsuspecting down the road or were pushed down it forcefully.

and i remember a man who asked, somehow innocently “are you for sale?” when i was walking down my local ‘hooker alley’ one sunny afternoon. i still find that to be one of the funnier experiences of my life since i was wearing sneakers and baggy track pants at the time.

but i digress…

and i am not in ANY WAY discussing the plight of the thousands of women and girls who are abused and shoved forcefully into prostitution. i don’t condone that nor do i think that it’s healthy or okay. even less okay are the terrifying statistics regarding assault and death that those lost women suffer.

and i don’t call them lost because they sell their bodies. i call them lost because their power of choice was taken from them or lost to them and they can see no way out of the suffering or terror or whatever word they would apply to their own experiences. i certainly don’t presume to speak for them or even to understand them.

but then i think about my friend todd. i think about todd and i think about the profound satisfaction he gets out of his life. i think about his curiousity toward the sex trade and his choice to put his body up for sale and then i think about his ongoing work with pornography and with transsexuals and i start to get that none of this is so black and white.

todd doesn’t need to do drugs to go to work because he loves his work. as far as i can tell neither do debauchette or gillette need the help that drugs or alcohol provide to them unless they just feel like having a drink. that said i suspect they both have policies about work and total wastedness. i’d be willing to bet they don’t mix them.

so here are these smart and together people who have chosen to sell their bodies. gillette considers her work to be a sacred act and i know that debauchette feels liberated in hers and i’m utterly certain that todd is living the best life he can imagine.

and that’s when i start to think.

i start to wonder what might have happened if i had chosen to sell my body to that man who asked so innocently if i was for sale. what might it have felt like? does the hot rush between my legs at the thought of fucking a stranger for money mean anything?

am i turned on by the idea? by the myth of the happy hooker? i’m certainly not a woman who has been pushed to think on these things because of dire financial straits. in fact i’m doing better financially than i have in years.

if that’s the case it must be something else.

where does this hot rush of power and heat come from at just the thought of letting a man have me for money? is it that somehow with the exchange of money i am freed to be as wild as i would?

can’t be that, from all i hear most prostitution that isn’t domination related comes back to some pretty vanilla sex. the idea that the hooker is all-in. that she’s fully present for as long as you’re paying her to be.

i wish i could figure out where the rush comes from… i know it’s a similar rush to the one i get when i imagine my lover selling me at a slave auction… i just don’t quite know what part of me brings that out…

i only know that i’ve met (in person - at todd’s parties…) several people who either make or supplement their income with sex work. and i’ve met a lot of males in the trade which is, i believe, somewhat unusual.

and you know it’s really interesting… the people who choose prostitution? who make the CHOICE to be there? seem universally happy about it.

comfortable and willing and even proud or empowered or excited about their work.

the people who land there? didn’t choose to get there? seem universally saddened and ALL of them seemed (TO ME!!!) lost and hopeless.

amazing the difference a choice can make.

sometimes i really love my life you know that?

and i love it especially when the sex toy fairies land in my mailbox. this time it brought a lovely combination from the folks at libida. emerita makes several lubes and i received the natural and the warming to review.

first we tried the warming as back massage oil. excellent. totally cool and the warming was mild enough not to annoy and wam enough to feel delicious. plus it sinks in to back skin at an acceptable rate AND it’s safe for the sheets.

sexually we started with the natural and moved to the warming; that seemed to make the most sense.

the natural is a thick lube, comes out in little glops from the bottle. these bottles are pretty smart actually; they’re pop-tops like shampoo and you get nice control of how much comes out based on the pressure you use. you only need a few drops of either of these although you need more of the natural than the warming.

anyway, he played with me until i gasped and shuddered and collapsed and then we made ready for some lovely shagging. i whipped out my trusty bottle of emerita natural lubricant and dolloped a bunch of it on his penis and started to give him a hand job… started. unfortunately i got stuck.

so i added some more and started to stroke and it got sticky again! i tried this a few times and then said ‘you know, this is supposed to be set to a woman’s chemistry, want to try it?’

and he said yes and approached and we both got this look on our faces and backed off. so he ran off to wash his penis off and i reached for the warming and started again when he got back.

it tastes like mild cinnamon by the way.

it strokes smoothly and easily and is the nicest thing next to wet platinum that i’ve ever had the pleasure of putting on my body. seriously. if i had to pick my desert island lube set i would use wet silicone and emerita OH warming non-silicone. it’s awesome. it’s the kind of awesome that you can use to add a little extra intensity to your sex or to have a nice body massage or just to add a tinge of cinnamon to a blow job.

it’s awesome. seriously seriously excellent lube and just like my other favourite a little goes a long, long way and lasts a while and a half.

i have never rated a lube this highly before and i have tried the majority of the popular ones and several more besides. actually i should write a post about how bad some of them are.

i could end my review right there but i would be leaving out some important information. the natural claimed to be the first lube formulated to a woman’s body chemistry and i decided that i hadn’t given it a fair try since it never hit my vagina.

so i tried it when i started writing this review. stuck some on a toy and played a little until i got aroused and then put the toy away and left it there. seriously did that. an hour and a half later?

i just reached down to check and it’s interesting. when i touch the outside of my vagina it’s a bit sticky but when i stick my finger in? sopping and easy. when i then touch more of myself with my remixed lube/me finger? the sticky goes away and it’s instantly slippery again.

i seriously want to try this with my boyfriend now. it kept the silicone toy sliding around nicely after all…

do be aware that these lubes contain glycerin which some vaginas are sensitive toward.  but hey, i haven’t found one yet that doesn’t have something weird in it.

okay

emerita natural lubricant gets a six out of ten. it breaks five because it’s pretty damn fine when i’m by myself. it loses massive points because it gives the worst hand jobs ever. nine out of ten for lesbians and people who only use toys.

emerita OH warming lubricant gets a ten out of ten. seriously. i have nothing bad to say about it.

i was so close to asleep in the afternoon sun warmed tent that i couldn’t even really make out the words that people around me were using; they were merely noise. splayed out across the entirety of my flannel sheeted double air mattress i wished i could pant like a dog to release heat.

this is one of the best feelings there is, to lie naked and baking and dazed while the world passes by just outside and has no idea that you’re even there. if it gets hot enough and they’re paying attention then they might just see your sweating clefts through the screened mesh windows of your tent but otherwise?

you’re lying in just another tent in an entire field of tents and really? no one cares. they’re all busy enjoying their music festival and all you’re doing is adding to the good vibes that abound.

there i was, baked in every sense of the word and blissed out on life and music and good vibes and weed and sun and swimming and drums and campfires and i’d been that way for two days. i had been reading but it was too hot even for that; all i wanted was to lie here and be dazed while i napped like my cats in a puddle of sun.

for some reason this kind of feeling always seems to pool between my legs.

i could feel the sweat beading in the small of my back and the crack of my ass. i could feel my arousal mixing with the sweat running down my body and i could feel myself slowly creating an imprint of my body as i soaked against my sheets. of course the patch between my legs is the wettest.

i wanted to masturbate but it was so hot and i was so languid that i basically couldn’t force my arms to move. i could, and did, fantasize about sex and masturbation until i could feel an answering pulse in my pussy.

and that’s when you showed up.

i more felt you than anything. felt your breath pass along the hot channel that is my spine to dance at the nape of my neck. shivered as you blew onto the sweat soaked hair at the base of my skull and the traced that cleft down my back once more to pause at my buttocks.

sighing i felt myself wriggle against my sheets, the pulse in my nethers gaining both strength and insistence. you blew gently on that pulse and i sighed again as my fingers stretched and my toes began to curl.

you withdrew and the tip of your nose explored my back before strong fingers followed to knead and roll the dense muscle beneath my sun slicked skin. i groaned my delight and felt myself stretch further on the large air mattress and you laughed low and wicked as you replaced your fingers with your mouth.

the pulse grew more insistent then, thickened and spread until even the tips of my fingers were aware of it; somehow in time with the ever present drums and yet forming a rhythm of it’s very own. i made to roll over, to reach for you, to do something and you laughed and held me still.

my whole body trembled at your ministrations as your fingers slipped and slid along my back and buttocks and thighs. my feet jumped when you reached my calves and stilled as you lavished attention on my toes and still you wouldn’t let me move. still you held me there is i trembled and sighed and sank ever more deeply into the bed set up in the middle of a field.

i sighed a high slow exhale. the kind of sigh that only happens during sex play and generally only before satisfaction. that sigh that says that you know the sex is inevitable from this point on and you’re *so* eager and yet completely relaxed into the moment. i sighed that sigh.

i sighed that sigh and stirred once more, every muscle relaxed and every inch of skin awake and reaching for you. i felt like the tips of my hair were trying to bring you closer and when you lowered your weight over my back i sighed again as those tips met yours and started to dance.

you rested on me, sweat soaked skin sliding against mine as your insistently hard cock pressed against the cleft in my buttocks. i squeezed and released you with my cheeks as our bodies began to dance together and you licked and nibbled at my neck and shoulders and upper back. occasionally you leaned around to kiss me and one hand grabbed my hands and pinned them above my head.

i spread my legs wider still.

you laughed again all low and wicked in my ear and i shivered. i shivered and trembled and raised my buttocks into your low belly. i strained a little to press myself against your tip and you answered with the slightest bit of pressure of your own. i groaned and strained a little more. you laughed again and withdrew.

your hips flexed again and again as you lay there nuzzling into my neck and holding my arms above my head. no matter what i did i could not force you inside me, could not. your laughter echoed in my ear as you slowly, slowly, slowly increased the distance your enormous penis had traveled inside me.

i reached for you each time and felt my body open more and more again. your stomach and chest slicked against my back as our bodies rhythm slowly increased in pace. eventually, so slowly i couldn’t bear it, you were fucking me. your entire length inside me and then stroking repeatedly as my hips drove to meet you.

i could hardly move as you fucked me and i gasped and shouted and gushed all over your hot cock as it slid it’s length through my sopping and willing pussy. my vagina clenched around you and milked you and your laughter turned to a long groan of satisfaction as our bodies matched and mated.

i gasped as one of your seeking hands reached beneath me and found my aching, throbbing, needing clitoris and rubbed it hard. i thrust down into your hand and up into your penis and felt my ass rise higher and higher in the air as you fucked me. you let go of my hands and i shivered and thrust further into your body.

my vagina started to throb and pulse and twitch around you and you groaned as my pussy drove itself toward an orgasm on your hard cock. groaned and released my clitoris to pull me up on to my knees and grab my hips in both hands.

crying out you drove into me again and again as you moved my hips into your now throbbing cock. your balls slapped my aching clit at a furious pace until i cried out and bucked against you, spasms rushing through me as my vagina pulsed and clenched around you.

you shouted and i felt you quiver as you erupted into me and your penis twitched and trembled and spurted into my waiting cunt. you groaned and held me there a moment and then started once more to move, strokes speeding and pounding along as i cried out and shuddered into you again and you spurted once more into my waiting depths.

i mewled as you paused there, panting, before you came for me again, penis bucking and twitching and balls still slapping my clit. you stayed still a moment, thrust to the hilt into my throbbing self and reached around once more.

fingers rubbed me ruthlessly as i screamed into the air and gushed and came all over your still quivering penis. i could feel the walls of my vagina slapping and shaking your hot length until all i could do was shudder and then i felt you pull out of me.

i mewled at the loss of your beautiful tool until i felt and heard you groan as tiny droplets of come spurted all over my back. i groaned and collapsed to the bed, your weight comfortably laying on me as we both panted and laughed before you reached under me one last time…

and still i could hear all around us the noise of thousands of people going about their day…

you know how sometimes you have opinions about things before you see them? before you read them or feel them or smell them or whatever? you already know.

you’ve got the reputation and the little snigger behind your hand all ready to go and then you’re totally blown away in the other direction instead?

yeah so that’s what happened with this book.

i was excited to get to review it, i mean WHAT a compliment right? but at the same time i’ve tended to find some of the articles about sex in cosmopolitan magazine to be ever so slightly too… hrm… polite? i do understand, there’s an audience common denominator involved after all.

but still, i made assumptions about what this book would be like. i didn’t know that i had done that until i was shocked to find them smitten. this book arrives at my door and my client says ‘what’s that?’ and since she knows about my toy review hobby i said “it’s cosmo’s guide to red hot sex” all casual-like and she jumps off the reformer [pilates equipment, go with me here] and falls into this book for fifteen minutes.

i am not exaggerating.

this woman was gone for fifteen minutes into a book i hadn’t even opened yet. you can imagine that i was curious. so my boyfriend and i take it on vacation with us and flip through it and giggle at the stories and just generally really enjoy it.

both of us learned things (which surprised me, i was thinking i was getting all knowledgeable you know) and anything that we chose to try was at least worth the trying of it. more than that he enjoyed the lushness of the print and the pictures as much as i did and he found the suggestions relevant and useful.

this is good. if you want someone to read a sex book it helps if they find it attractive right? and then i showed it to three more people. a virgin, a celibate who is afraid of sex after lots of it and a woman who doesn’t know a lot about sex but is curious and open. not one of them had a bad word to say about it and all of them were lost in it for long minutes and two of them plan to buy it immediately.

i could tell you about the sections and i could tell you about the short magazine style articles that allow you to skim for something to try or drop in and read for an hour and i could mention the well organized progression from preplay through foreplay and right through to the post coital glow (or round two) or maybe even that the illustrations for sexual positions actually make SENSE and look possible by humans. i will comment in passing that i don’t need to be told that i’m about to read a ’super sex secret’ all the time. i get what’s happening here, i don’t need to be spoon fed too.

it might help if i touched on the blurbs from real people and the emphasis on turning on your mind as much as on turning on your body (or bodies as the case may be) and cheered for the emphasis on learning to self pleasure. maybe if i mentioned the guide to finding your multiples or the article telling him how to tell if you’re satisfied or the lush and satisfying visual layout….

or even that i agreed with the vast majority of things i read that i knew already and i’ve been studying sex pretty seriously for some years now. this stuff is solid information packed into a fun and easy to digest package with gorgeous fonts, colours and pictures.

i could tell you all that and then mention that they touch on pretty much all kinds of heterosexual sex and tell you to explore or run away as suits your heart and your brain and your gut. you could picture my naughty smile as i recall some of the things the book inspired in my lover or his wicked look when he thinks about what it inspired in me.

but i don’t need to do that; i just need to tell you that at $24.95 it’s a steal.

and if that’s not clear enough? i give this book a nine point five out of ten and it loses the point five for being a bit smug about how cool it is. even though it is, in fact, just about as cool as it thinks it is.

i have never been one for phone sex, like at all. although i have also never been into cybersex i have tried that to some extent. in fact? a very long time ago on undernet i played in the bdsm chatrooms and even in the gorean ones.

oh shucks gor? it’s um… here’s the wikipedia on it.

anyway the gor stuff involved far too much ‘this girl wishes to please you oh great and strong and powerful master with thigh of steel and shoulders hewn by a master sculptor’ and even more ‘this girl prepares your drink…’ which lasted an hour or something.

and of course? you weren’t allowed to just make a standard serve and then keep pasting it into the channel oh no. it had to be a unique and different serve every time.

okay for thesaurus me but not so okay for most.

er a quick background expose:

10 Basic Steps of a Serve:

1. Beginning your serve
2. Going to the service area
3. Selecting and cleaning the utensil
4. Getting and preparing the food or drink
5. Returning to the Master
6. Kneeling position and posture
7. Pouring the drink
8. The Kiss
9. The Offering
10. End of your service

full example of a gorean serve here

this takes a while and if you’re already prone to repetitive strain issues online gor is NOT FOR YOU.

that said, i got myself collared once or twice and experimented with different behaviours and felt that i was at least learning something about myself and what i like.

i’m not particularly submissive but i do greatly enjoy giving respect to people and i find myself calling men sir at the slightest opportunity. course some time in military cadets helped with that… anyway, respect is comfortable for me whereas abject subjugation isn’t. so while i enjoyed my time playing gorean slave girl i always knew that i was playing and frankly i’m not the person to ask if you want to take it seriously…

but i did end up having a fair amount of lame cybersex while i was at it. see i’m going to describe basically all cybersex as lame because if the sex is any good you don’t have any hands free to type and if the typing is any good?

you don’t have any hands free to get off.

(please note that i do NOT include webcam acts in this)

basically i think the whole thing is kind of silly and at the end of it? you’re still alone.

so never been one for the phone or cybersex even though i write smut and can probably still nail a gorean serve without thinking twice about it.

so you can imagine my surprise recently when something started to change that attitude.

you see, my lover is one of those men with the libido you know? so he masturbates on the days that he doesn’t see me and even on some of the days where he does. this grows more true as he gains confidence in our sex life and his performance anxiety decreases.

it’s not so bad if you can’t come because you masturbated five times today if you and she have been sleeping together for a year. it’s a problem if you’ve been sleepng together for a week… see?

so he tends to tell me about these forays with his own body and over time i have grown to be his favourite masturbatory fantasy. quite the compliment really.

so the other day?

the other day he stays in my bed when i leave for work and then later tells me that he woke up to sheets smelling like me and then stopped to read his favourite post and one thing led to another and he hoped i didn’t mind dna on my sheets…

and i so didn’t!

in fact? i’m thrilled [and mildly aroused!]!

i can get my boyfriend off without even being there…. how cool is that?

i’m starting to get something that always aroused girl has discussed more than once; the idea that sometimes your blog is only going to get so much information and that is all. if that’s not enough it’s not enough but you have to protect yourself and the feelings of the people around you.

i need to make one thing perfectly clear: i did not write a single thing in my last post that was not already known to the person it was about. although i probably articulated it better in text.

then there’s the other part. the part that i’m not going to tell any of you about. the part where names and hearts and futures live. oddly enough i’m perfectly happy telling y’all all about my sex life in intimate and graphic detail but other things must remain private until they are resolved.

which they are well on their way to being… just so y’all can stop worrying about me.

and there’s something else i feel like i should say. my boyfriend is the man that i currently choose to share my life with and hope to continue doing for as long as both of us want to be there and maybe even a little longer but if we do split up that’s okay too.

i don’t want to. i mean i reeeeeeally don’t want to more than i think i’ve ever wanted to not break up with someone. like a lot okay?

and it’s still okay if it happens although i’m pretty sure it isn’t coming anytime soon.

but that’s what life does you know?

it throws you curveballs and it waits to see what you’re going to do about them. or, as a wise woman on television once said ‘it’s not the things that happen to you that matter, it’s your reaction to them’ and it’s true.

if you believe that everything that happens in your life has the power to teach you something and to take you in a positive direction then you’re probably going to react in ways that facilitate that. you will assume that there are possible positive outcomes and so you’ll find them.

i don’t mean that terrible things won’t happen, they will and i hope none of the real horrors of the universe happen to me or anyone really ever but i do mean that even there you can choose your outcome a little.

i’m also not saying that you won’t or shouldn’t have times where you are depressed or grieving or wallowing in your own misery (god i love wallowing) or even staring at the walls in a catatonic state.

i’m just saying that if you go looking for sunshine you usually find it.

[original typo 'you usually finE it' which is pretty funny if you ask me]

or maybe it’s what a client of mine said once. when you’re young you think that the world is flat. you go along and everything is great and you have something bad happen and the world ends. you’ve fallen off the end.

when you’re older you know that the world is round. that bad things happen and then the world turns and it’s good again.

so… you might not get all the details but you’ll still know how i approach them :)

i never for a second expected this feeling in relation to you. i’m stunned in fact. flummoxed even.

in short? this was not expected.

i thought you were all in. you acted all in. you implied that you were all in. you said things that, to me, seemed to lead to the idea that although your brain wasn’t ready your heart was.

and i believed it.

i believed what you said and how you acted and i didn’t listen carefully enough. i didn’t hear everything that you were saying and i let my heart tell me what to do.

all in. funny words in poker and in life.

in poker when you’re all in you’ve bet everything you have. you’ve taken your whole life and placed it on the table to make this one bet. there are varying degrees of seriousness to being all in in poker but it’s never done lightly.

in life being all in is even more intense. it means that you’re going to bet the farm that you’re making the right choice. that the thing you’re doing or with is the right thing for you.

sometimes you know that for certain and sometimes you ask yourself every day but either way there comes a time to bet.

and this whole entire time i’ve thought that i knew which way you were going to bet. i thought that what your heart and body and eyes were saying mattered more than your mouth.

hell even your mouth…

and it’s only today that i got it.

it’s only today that i really felt it. that i got for a second that maybe you were holding something in reserve.

maybe all in was not the state of you at all.

maybe you were more dipping your proverbial toe in the water to see how the water was.

the truth, as always, is somewhere in between.

i, i’m sure, wanted to believe you were there. i wanted to believe in the miracle and the happy ending. i think that you wanted to believe it too.

i’m just not sure that you ever entirely did.

today, for the first time since i met you, i saw the writing on the wall change. i thought that i knew what it said… i thought i had at least a sense of where the next stage of my life would take me… but i didn’t.

as always reality interferes with our sincerest fantasies.

the truth is that you never know where your life will take you but you always think you have a shot at figuring it out. and maybe you do… if you eyes are all the way open all the time.

but whose are? who manages not to let their fantasies cloud their judgement? no one that’s who.

this seemed like a no-brainer. like an easier guess than any i had made in the past even. like the easiest decision i ever got to make.

but it wasn’t.

it wasn’t even my decision to make.

i saw the writing on the wall change today…

do you think it changes back?

or do you think i finally opened my eyes to reality?