i know that it’s possible because i’ve seen it on tv and i know people that know how to do it. i know that it’s possible because i’ve had it done to me at least a couple of times.
i know, because of the statistics, that lots and lots of folks manage it and many of them have to be either less intelligent or less attractive than i am. or both. sorry but i really am that smart.
so why is it that i can’t figure out how to pick men up? i’ve established, after years of trying, that i can’t figure out how to get men to date me. i am either affair or one night stand material.
fine, no dating. fuck this celibacy bullshit then and give me some sex.
so i change my eyes, i decide to look for the men i can lure into a dark alley to have my way with. i decide to notice the ones who are giving me the lascivious leers. i decide to say yes next time some guy asks me to play.
and i do, once, at a concert recently. although i don’t fuck him because i didn’t have a condom melting in my pocket. probably the unexpectedness of it all.
i think to myself that if start masturbating a lot more i’ll be exuding more pheremones. they say, after all, that the more sex you have the more you’ll be offered. i have no one to fuck but i figure i can get the pheremones going right?
right?
no, it doesn’t work. as soon as i start looking for sex it isn’t anywhere to be found.
is there some magic trick, some special code or signal or look in the eye that you people that have all sorts of sex have? is there a secret club?
i mean fine, i don’t get to be in the dating club but i’m a hottie so why can’t i at least be in the fucking club? someone out there HAS to want to fuck a horny pilates instructor. that just seems like a no-brainer to me you know?
horny.pilates.instructor. i mean hell that makes me all wet and i’m pretty straight.
[in case you have no idea what pilates is just think yoga and you'll get the gist]
the idea of having sex with someone in a field like mine? martial arts or dance or some kind of centered movement or the like? oh my god it makes me so horny i want to just ride my chair.
unfortunately my chair is in no way rideable, but my new vibrator will be and i’m really excited that it’s coming. i still can’t really comprehend that it took me so long to get one!
regardless, although i will now have a lovely jelly penis to writhe on when the urge strikes i would really like to find an actual penis to play with. or a woman but i’m way less gay than i am straight. if i had to self describe i would say that i’m about 70-30 in the preferring men over women stakes.
i don’t mind the idea of having sex with women and i love to make out with girls but when i fantasize there’s a dick involved about seventy percent of the time.
it’s just i’m tired of fucking myself. i already know all of my tricks and i’m expecting everything i do. lately i’ve been trying to pretend that i’m fingering someone else’s clit and that i can’t tell how it feels from the inside.
that’s been kind of fun.
reading excellent smut doesn’t hurt either because it gives you something new to fantasize about as does owning a sex blog. something about wondering if anyone is masturbating to something i wrote *right now* gets me all kind of hot.
but still, at the end of the day i’m alone in bed with myself.
how do y’all do it?
what’s the secret sign to get into the club? how do i spot the guy that i find hot enough to fuck who is also fuckable? let the guy in the corner know that yes i am a dirty slut [or at least i'd like to be]? hell that guy at work gave me all the signs of finding me hot but then i never saw him again.
i’m on the board, it’s not like you can’t find my class!
so what the fuck, what’s the little trick? how do i go from meeting his eyes to meeting his penis without coming across like an oversexed old maid and scaring him into next week?
where’s the line between interested and desperate?
or to put it more simply, hot or offputting?
help me i need to get laid!
