first i have to say that i was interviewed by para of chilli vanilla last week and he’s just posted the interview. you can find it on the main page and the permalink is here. and damm y’all, he said really nice stuff!
if you’re new here and visiting from him please note that very few of my posts are as non-sexual as the following:
mr universe:
there was this man once that i fell in love with.
no, not my ex husband.
and today for some reason an old email he sent me very early in our relationship came up in conversation and i went and read it. and now i feel like crying.
i mean this guy and i split up a long time ago, he’s the guy after whom i haven’t had much luck dating . it’s coming up on four years soon actually. anyway somehow i had reordered the beginning in my head.
i had sown the seeds of our destruction in my memories of the early parts of our relationship.
but they weren’t there.
they really weren’t. we were in love and we communicated and we thought each other’s quirks were cute and we couldn’t imagine not sleeping in the same bed.
i remember feeling that way about him, in some ways i feel that way about him still. i really thought he was my guy you know? we were so earnest and we meant it so deeply.
it’s unfortunate that i was rendered broken shortly after we fell in love.
sometimes it feels like the universe played snatch and grab with me. you know like the carrot on a stick that you dangle in front of a donkey? or like how you tell a kid they can have ice cream if they eat all their brussels sprouts and then you hold out on the ice cream.
whatever.
i just wonder why i had to know what it felt like to match with somebody. two people actually, but the other one was a shapeshifter and not real. to have that finished jigsaw feeling… and then to have it die.
and not die easily either. it was like dying of cancer or the death of a thousand cuts or any other metaphor that sums up long and slow and painful.
in some ways he’s still the other half of my personal jigsaw puzzle… even the sex was damm good. although i’ve had better but rarely.
it’s just there’s that cruel sense of humor. the one that manifests in strange and terrible ways. the one that means he doesn’t pull punches (er verbal) when he’s fighting because part of him will be amused by your reaction.
dating people as self aware as i am who are disconnected from their emotions can be fraught with danger.
what’s worse is that he’s fixed a lot of the things that needed fixing. he’s MORE my match than he was when we were together.
incidentally? me too.
i’m mad at the universe for breaking me so soon after i found him. we never got a real chance. i was broken before we were properly joined.
and then he broke too.
how can i still be sad when it’s four years later?
how can i go look at this old email and be filled with old emotions, old emotions that linger the next day and fill me with this sense of bereftness?
and yet?
with all of that? i still wouldn’t take him back. he’s still cruel and he still thinks being cold and mean is a good break-up strategy.
note to self, stay out of your old email!
