badinfluencegirl

okay so, as my five or six regulars have likely gathered i’ve had a fuckbuddy for a while now. in fact there’s been some deliriously sublime sex.

the kind of sex i didn’t believe in even.

the kind that my sister suggested might be my body trying to tell me something. actually she suggested that back when i dumped him the first time.

yeah, there’s a little history with me and this man. i picked him up on okcupid last year in a fit of ‘i’ll get over you… no really i’m over you’ after another man didn’t treat me very well. no, that man and i never dated but he did manage to lead me around by the nose for far too long.

he was nice to me this bed buddy of mine, too nice in fact, the kind of nice that freaks out girls like me. the kind you don’t believe could possibly be real so you’re always sort of waiting for a shoe to drop.

it didn’t help that on our first date he made some comment about ‘i see no reason why we would break up for years’ [that may have been the second date but you get the gist] and it didn’t help that i was in love with someone else and it definitely wasn’t helpful that he hardly worked or left his house and had nearly nothing to say.

so after a few weeks i warned him that he was feeling it more than i was and that i was worried to which he replied ‘no worries, i can take care of myself’ and then after a few more weeks with a big two week gap in the middle of it i dumped him.

in a nutshell i dumped him because i didn’t miss him during that two weeks.

i was nice though and honest and didn’t drag it on forever so we stayed in touch and when the next girl he dated did a runner on him without even telling him first we sort of ended up as bed buddies.

because well, frankly, the sex was sublime and neither of us saw any reason to be lonely AND horny.

so, cut to six months later

now he’s my climbing partner, my friend, my lover and there are a couple of other activities that we also enjoy together. in fact we shag maybe one or two out of five of the times that we see each other… so yeah, it’s starting to feel like not exactly a bed buddy thing anymore.

it’s starting to feel like dating even.

bed buddies are people that you’re naked with, they’re not people that you go for dinner and to parties with. they’re not people who sneak in a grope at the climbing gym (okay maybe that) and they’re definitely not people that you miss when they aren’t around.

so how did this happen?

how did this man that i didn’t even like become someone that i see a minimum of twice a week? it started when he decided to come climbing with me which often leads to dinners out afterward (trust me climbers do this) and he went and got a real job sometime last year which makes him leave his house and gives him things to talk about and then i started hanging out with his friends and he started hanging out with mine and suddenly we’re getting cross-invited by people who know us both and…

and i’m falling for his smug, superior, self-righteous, self-indulgent, slightly chubby ass. i’m falling for it and i don’t quite know what to do about it.

i’m falling for him with full awareness of his flaws and a damm reasonable idea of what he’s like to date and for real.

reason tells me to dump him which, logically i should do. he’s being quite clear that he’s not interested in more, in fact when such things come up (as they must after this long ‘together’) he shows no interest in more. he dodges the subject or diverts it or suggests that people who call him my boyfriend lack imagination. [i told him my best friend had declared him my boyfriend because we shag less than twenty five percent of the time we're together, he suggested that some people lack imagination and that there's no reason lovers can't be friends to which i replied 'i don't get naked with my friends' and he said 'special niche market']

i mean it’s clear.

which puts me in a terrible position.

either i give up the best sex ever to protect myself from a world of hurt and ironically dump him AGAIN because now i do miss him [with full disclosure of course, i mean i might be wrong, there is a 2% chance right?] or i keep him and just sort of suffer in silence OR i say something definitive rather than roundabout and lose him anyway.

it’s hard to give up the best sex ever when you went three years without any beforehand. it’s hard to give up when not one half decent, let alone bearable, man has asked me on a date and it’s especially hard when once a month some new and heretofore unknown sexual hurdle is leapt.

it’s hard to fall for someone you dumped already (okay that bit is easy) and know that because you dumped them they won’t consider having you back for ‘real.’

it’s ridiculous to be this age and still feel like a stupid girl for getting yourself into this mess in the first place

and it’s especially hard to see that many of the things that were untenable about him changed in less than six months after i chucked him. that part is actually the hardest in a lot of ways because it makes me doubt myself.

it makes me think that maybe all sorts of other decisions that i’ve made have been too rash or too quick or too lacking in patience.

it makes me wonder what other babies i’ve chucked with the bathwater and i dislike intensely that kind of wondering. i trust myself dammit.

i even made the right decision when i dumped him but i made it with incomplete information. i hadn’t seen him taking the piss out of people and i definitely hadn’t once been teased by him or bugged or button pushed.

we didn’t have a tiff or a row or much of anything because he was just so damm agreeable. now?

now we take the piss out of each other all the time, tease and make fun and argue and rant and now, of course, he’s infinitely more interesting to me.

i feel like i finally met him after i started fucking him and after i dumped him and strangely enough i’m having the healthiest relationship of my life with this man i think i have to dump.

we don’t bother lying to each other or acting like someone else because there’s no point.

we don’t get emotionally attached to sexual acts we just discuss what we do and don’t like and then try things together.

we don’t get offended if one of us is too tired or too busy to hang out. (okay that once but seriously, laundry??? is better than sex???)[i've since learned of his arcane laundry room laws ;>]

we have no expectations of each other in some long-term happily ever after way nor does one expect life dropping from the other.

we just act like rational adults who enjoy each other’s company and wish to fuck and spend time together…

and dammit all to hell i had to go and fuck it up by getting all emotional.

fuck.