further evolution

July 26, 2007 — badinfluencegirl

evolution

something is happening to this blog that i really like.

i’m finding some kind of balance between smut and sex and life that seems to be opening itself to ever growing honesty and i like it.

six months ago, for whatever reason, i would not have posted a tale like smile because i would have deemed it somehow not right for a sex blog and now? now i realize somehow that this isn’t *a* sex blog it’s *my* sex blog and like the teenage girl who can cry if she wants to i can get outrageously and unremittingly romantic if i so desire.

more than that i realise that the more honest i get here the more people like what i write. smut is all well and good and i expect to continue writing it but i didn’t get fleshbotted until i wrote a post about falling for my lover (…)

a post which had very few words about sex in it might i mention.

there is something inherently honest in a sex blog that i haven’t found in a day to day blog. the one you write that your friends and your parents read has things clipped out by necessity.

somehow, unlike chelsea girl, i can’t really imagine my mother reading about me lying in a wet spot and grooving on the fact that there wasn’t a dry spot to be found. which i do groove on by the way, the utter destruction of a set of clean sheets is a sign of a well done sex date. but i digress and though i like a good forking as much as the next girl this post is about what i blog rather than sex.

it’s almost like the act of starting a ‘dirty’ blog has freed me to incorporate sex into my day to day life and yet still maintain a seperate space without sex in it. kind of like an office. and yet it’s that very anonymity that allows me to keep looking deeper and come up with something more.

i couldn’t do this if all my friends were reading it and discussing it at cocktail parties. i couldn’t do it if my picture was attached (although that IS my back in my avatar pic) and i most definetely couldn’t do it if my parents knew how to find it… although they do know that it exists.

somehow, in this little corner where only half a dozen people know who i really am (and most of them are gay or female or my ex-lover who BETTER know he isn’t welcome here anymore [but would have been if he weren't a person who would rather bury his head in the sand than tell the truth]) i can plumb my own depths and go looking for the things i really am. and somehow i could not have done this if i hadn’t first written a non-sex blog for a couple of years.

that blog taught me to write from a place of truth and it taught me to write even when i don’t want to and it taught me that sometimes the posts with no comments are the ones that mean the most to the writer. it also taught me when not to write and when to think before posting and both of those are somehow even more important here.

it’s that place of truth thing that is, i think, the most important part of this. not that all of my smut is true because it isn’t, but that i have to believe that it’s possible, i have to want it somehow, i have to know that someone out there is doing just that thing that i’m writing about… or could be. i can’t make up stories that have superheroes in them any more than i can make up stories that have pedophilia in them.

yes, i know pedophilia is real just as i know that my young gay friend had his first sexual experience with a man very much his senior and in NO way considers himself to have been abused. but the one is not the other. in the latter case he went into it as a relatively adult male in spite of his ‘legal’ age and in the former there is of necessity an abuse of power in some sense.

anyway, it’s been a lot of fun to watch my sex drive evolve along with this blog. i am entertaining sexual thoughts that i would not have even a year ago and i am libidinous in a way that i’ve never been.

i would, in fact, encourage anyone wrestling with sex drive issues to both read blogs and keep a journal (online or no but online allows you to get thoughts from strangers which are somehow inherently more ‘true’ than those of your intimates) as a way of exploring and discovering their own needs and desires. and don’t for a second think that someone else can find your sex drive for you. they can HELP but the work is yours.

i have to finish with the relatively simple and yet rather mind-blowing thought that i’m not sure anything short of pilates has had the kind of fundamental self and life changing effect that this blog has… and that’s a *good* thing.

Posted in blogging, life, love, random, sex, sex blogging, sex drive. 6 Comments »

help wanted

July 23, 2007 — badinfluencegirl

multi-orgasmic pilates instructor with pelvic floor of death seeks life support system for penis complete with enduring biceps.

preference given to assets such as: cleanliness, wit, imagination, willingness to do odd jobs, love for cunnilingus, height, penile dexterity, emotional availability, fitness, substance and a local area code.

must be literate

no tobacco smokers, alcoholics or married/taken men need apply

Posted in fantasy, life, sex, want ads. 3 Comments »

sex drive

July 18, 2007 — badinfluencegirl

see there’s this thing about going looking for your sex drive.

generally, unless you’re broken more badly than i was, you’ll find it.

and find it i did after a few years of celibacy and then some working on myself and then a willing and enthusiastic partner.  yeah.  so now i’m a spoiled sex fiend instead of just a wannabe.

i get how good regular sex can be now and i  have NO ONE TO HAVE IT WITH!!!

i’m so fucking horny i’m almost ready to call my ex lover just because his orgasms are so lovely.  that he doesn’t like me enough to be honest with me seems to be escaping my horny assed notice.  i find myself thinking things like ‘but i know he doesn’t like me that way so i could like totally keep my heart out of it’ and then i make fun of myself and still it’s getting more tempting by the day.

i haven’t had any offers i would accept but i’ve lost ten pounds and i’m going to a festival next weekend and well, i’m bringing condoms.  of course i never get laid when i bring condoms to festivals but if you’re in the mood you have to be safe if you’re a latex allergy kind of girl.

and i am.

what’s worse is that my little friend herpes is visiting because i didn’t lube up my dildo enough last week when i was listlessly masturbating.  i just wasn’t in the mood you know?  i mean here i am so horny i’m having to wash my pants more often than usual and i can’t be arsed to masturbate!

i mean who does that?

i’m bored with my own fingers and the toys that i know.  i want to FUCK someone and not something and i’m not feeling particularly discriminating about who it is.

of course i know it won’t be nearly as much fun as my ex lover because i was comfortable and unpressured with him.  this leads to fantastic sex if you have a partner who likes everything.  and i did.

god i’m so horny i’m whining about it.  i haven’t bothered having a self induced orgasm more than once a month for ages.  ages.  i was having so many that i didn’t actually care on my days off.

and now i’m all spoiled.

you should see me i look like a twelve year old girl all curled up in my chair with a sulky face on.  a twelve year old girl with thirty five year old wrinkles but still, twelve and wishing she could have her way.

i miss sex.  i miss the lovely slipperyness of it and the noises and the faces and the smells.

i miss taking in an essential part of another human being and feeling our parts grow into a magical whole, especially the time when you’ve already gone around a few times and you have to easeeaseeasecarefuleasyeasyeasyahhhh your way in.  that’s often the best shag of the session that one.  the one where you’re both so close to done but one of you just couldn’t resist having one more snack at the pink bits.

god i love the one more snack.

feeling a penis all spent and tired and tasting like yourself start to stir in your mouth.  that delicious growing feeling as it fills you with itself and you hear your lover groan as he realises that yes dear, we really are going to fuck one more time.  one more time where you can barely get your body to move because the muscles in your legs and abs are so exhausted.  one more glorious and sloppy time that nearly always has me erupting all over him.

oh it hurts how much i miss sex.

the nice kind where you share your souls and the pounding kind where his balls slap up against you and dance you to yet another orgasm and the kind where you try four different positions and giggle like children whenever he falls out during a transition.

the kissing that you skip sometimes because you’re in too much of a hurry to linger over the niceties.  the kissing that creeps in when the initial itch has been scratched and langour is more appreciated.  the kissing you try to do while fucking that rarely but occasionally works.

oh god i’m tempted to do stupid stupid foolish risky things just to scratch the goddamm itch!

i know that if i get gussied up and walk two blocks there’s a bar.  a bar filled with rich men who will ply me with liquor and do their best to get me in the sack and i know that soon, if i don’t find a person to sleep with soon, soon i’ll do something foolish.

just how foolish remains to be seen.

===

note to self: buy condoms

Posted in fantasy, fucking, life, masturbation, sex, sex drive, sex toys. 7 Comments »

smile

July 10, 2007 — badinfluencegirl

he smiled at her across the gym. the beautiful man she’d been noticing out of the corner of her eye for weeks smiled at her.

and she missed it.

smiled at her and then smiled at her friend, wryly, as if to say ‘can’t win em all.’

and life moved on.

she noticed him out of the corner of her eye, he noticed her out of the corner of his.

their friends noticed.

their friends smiled wryly at each other.

then one day they ended up standing beside each other somehow; perhaps their friends helped, perhaps they didn’t and he smiled at her.

she smiled back and dropped her eyes. shy suddenly, she who was never shy.

hi said he

hello said she

smile

smile

how are you said he

i’m excellent said she

smile

he blushed

she stammered

magic happened and suddenly they were everywhere together. holding hands and glowing at each other. bliss in their eyes and contained, but as yet unrealised, lust for each other in their glances.

fingers roamed in places like elbow creases and backs of necks. lips were hesitantly touched. each touch so precious and filled that they could barely do more than caress each other’s public skin.

eventually, after eons or a few weeks they roamed beneath each others clothing and shared a bed together. still without culminating their feelings. their out of control, outrageously smitten feelings.

it was like it was the only thing they could control.

every touch was fraught with electricity.

and then at last, one night, after much discussion in advance with and without marijuana they had sex. they had magical and relaxed lightly pot scented making lovey sex.

every touch reverent, strokes long, slow and lengthy. bumps and scars and stretch marks explored lovingly and thoroughly as they learned each other’s bodies the way they had begun to learn each other’s minds.

they had lots of time. all the time in the world.

the kind of time that old people who have known each other for forty years have.

she shuddered and shook as their touches grew more urgent and he panted and groaned. after kissing most inches of each other thoroughly and with enthusiasm their bodies grew insistent and he pierced her centre and she cried out.

cried out to the heavens and the earth in reverence.

cried out the the sun and the moon and the gods hiding in the stars.

cried out as her body took her to places she had never known existed and his went there right along with her.

heard his ecstatic groan and his pants of effort as his body sundered hers and they trembled and shook and panted and sweated and slid along each others bodies until.

until at last, at last and still it could have taken longer if it needed to, at last they shouted together and the world erupted for them.

erupted into shards of indescribable ecstasy and then fell, plummeting in exhausted satisfaction, back to the earth to lie panting together.

panting and released but not satiated, oh no, never to be satiated but released, released to lie, wanton and open across a bed soaked with the juices of their love.

Posted in fantasy, fucking, love, outrageously unremittingly romantic not porny at all, sex, sex fantasy. 7 Comments »

wishful thinking

July 7, 2007 — badinfluencegirl

there are two posts here and the one explains the second… not to mention that i wrote this a while ago and well, it’s getting less and less timely.

and i think it’s beautiful.

magic
there are moments during sexual acts that are inherently different. they are spaces out of time that don’t exist in the world as we know it and are somehow endless and yet all too few and precious just the same.

there are the small ones that predate the actual sex where your breath catches in your chest and drops down into your pelvis and suddenly your whole focus changes.

you become your skin somehow in that second.

there’s also the easy moments. the mindlessness before you come when another human is supping contentedly on your pink bits and your body is tensed and pulsing and all you can feel is their eager mouth and the tingles racing through your body.

or that sublime and all too rare moment when both of you erupt into pleasure at about the same time. i was told once by someone, smugly, that she and her partner pretty much always did that, that they’d basically practiced and that it’s no big deal. it’s been hard talking to her since because i consider such things a very big deal and like to believe that i still would ten years down the line.

but my favourite is somehow less self centered and more shared.

my favourite moment has to do with breath; fitting i suppose since i’m a pilates instructor and breath is my favourite subject, and the sharing of it.

that time, the time before urgency strikes when you’re fucking for the sheer joy of fucking and just grooving on the feeling of your two bodies sweating and sliding on each other.

at some point your bodies melt together and your mouths seek each other out and very occasionally if the stars are aligned just right and the sex isn’t that vigorous you’ll manage to kiss each other but more often than not that involves bruised lips and clashed teeth.

instead, as your pelvises rock in rhythms as old as time your lips part and sigh together and you make magic scented air. it feels sometimes as if you breathe little parts of your souls into each other and is to me the most intimate moment in an already intimate act… and if you do it right?

if it’s one of the special and oh so rare days this time will last forever and a moment more and then you’ll spiral up and up and crescendo together to collapse, panting, back in the real world once more.

===

judgement call
at some point, i think, you’ll realize that you’ve made a mistake.

you’ll touch her or kiss her or watch her back arch with bliss and realize that maybe, just maybe, you did the thing that wasn’t actually as hard. the thing that seemed obvious but maybe wasn’t right.

maybe you’ll be out one day and you’ll pass a place we spent some time and you’ll sigh with sudden melancholy but you won’t know why.

perhaps you’ll show her a place that turns out to have hidden and special memories. or maybe you’ll never show it to her but every time you pass it you’ll smile a wistful little smile.

or maybe you’ll just miss me in little moments and think it was only ever about friendship.

or maybe you won’t.

but i think there’s one moment where you won’t be able to help missing me and that one will come ever so late.

you’ll be inside her and she’ll be moaning and you’ll be pounding away and your bodies will nestle into each other and your mouth will drop toward hers and you’ll kiss a little but that won’t work and you’ll pull back just a little and breathe into each other.

you’ll breathe the same air and stroke your length into her and i think you’ll realize something really sad. i think you’ll realize that you’re breathing the wrong air. that you should be here with me.

it’s my breath you’re supposed to share like that, it has to be because i can’t make it make sense in my head that my body could love yours that much but that yours didn’t love mine at all.

and more than that i can’t make it make sense in my head that only one of us could fall for the other. without realizing it you did the perfect thing to catch me when we made our arrangement on the eve of the new year.

because we were only friends with benefits i felt no smothering and i was free to be myself, my real self that only comes out later on in dating, the one that turns out not to be very like my dating self at all (and wasn’t that a surprise).

you weren’t trying to hold on to me so i could fly free and far as i willed and i just kept finding myself flying back to you and it just hurts in indescribable ways to know that you weren’t trying to hold on to me because you didn’t actually want to.

i thought we were both struggling to maintain the fiction but it was just me.

figures, isn’t it always?

when you breathe her breath i hope it’s world shattering because otherwise?

i don’t think i could bear it if you threw me away for a nothing.

===

edited to add: i no longer believe this post. i am absolutely sure that i was allowed and a little encouraged to lead myself on because it kept the sex good.

but it’s still beautiful.

Posted in fucking, life, love, sex, sex fantasy. 4 Comments »

ick factor

July 5, 2007 — badinfluencegirl

[there is a dirty story after this post, it's called ... on sleeping leaves]

[there is also an addendum at the end of this post]

it’s interesting how the dissolution of a sexual relationship can have such unexpected effects on a person.

somehow six months of being a kind and generous and unfailingly nice man were rendered irrelevant over the course of three days.

somehow, a relationship which i had come to treasure in all of it’s myriad parts and not just for the great sex has ended in such a way that i feel like i was never even liked.

moreso i feel like i was unimportant.

i feel disrespected and lied to and worst of all by far is that suddenly this beautiful and sunny and healing sexual relationship i was in has been tarnished with the bullshit that ended it.

and that isn’t fair.

more than that it’s utterly stunning to me. i cannot comprehend how this happened and yet i was there! i saw it happen, i participated in the conversation. heck i’m the one who said ‘no wait, don’t date her date me!’ so you know, i was involved.

and yet i still don’t get it. how did it get so nasty?

i understand that men are stupid and say the wrong things but if i didn’t wish him to be non-malicious i would think that he said EXACTLY what was necessary to get me to disappear with my tail between my legs and never come back.

which would, incidentally like, make dating his dream girl a lot easier. i’m a lot simpler to explain if i’m not there after all.

i mean i really think he did that. i don’t want to think that. i don’t want to believe that i meant so little to someone who chose to spend two or three days a week with me and much of that not shagging. i find it stunning to imagine that someone could worm their way into my life and yet not actually WANT to be in it.

it doesn’t make sense. people just keep saying ‘that’s men for ya’ but you know what? that answer rings false and hollow too.

if you had told me two weeks ago that this thing would end and end badly and in fact involve some nuclear exploding? i would have thought you were nuts. i would have made fun of you.

i would have said, oh no, we respect each other and tell each other the truth you know… so no worries, regardless of if we stay together or not we’ll be friends.

except he didn’t. he lied with his body and his deeds and just enough with his words. just enough to make sure that now i’m sitting here feeling icky and played. just enough to make sure that i get that we were never even friends.

actually we never were friends, we dated, we split, we started sleeping together, we evolved. so i should say just enough to make sure that i get that he never cared for me in the slightest.

or even just enough to know that in my absences the only times he considered me were when he was masturbating.

just enough to make it really hurt.

i wish i believed he was just stupid.

i wish i could imagine a way in which he didn’t know he was turning me into his girlfriend in all but name.

i would love to come up with a scenario where he really did miss that moment months ago when he started to act like my boyfriend…

but then i remember. the man brought me bonbons.

seriously, playing a bed buddy, who the fuck does that?

i cannot fathom the point. i mean i was ALREADY fucking him willingly wasn’t i?

who does that?

====

for the record, i will never regret embarking on this relationship, i learned too much about what i do and don’t want in a man and what i do and don’t like.

not to mention that i found my sex drive and he’s the man who helped… well and that stranger at the Tool concert.

Posted in fucking, life, sex, war stories. 2 Comments »

…on sleeping leaves

July 2, 2007 — badinfluencegirl

moon bathing [please read first]

she opened the hand resting on her clit as if to present her pussy to the world. here it is, she seemed to say, have at it. her eyes remained closed as he walked up to her. in some sense she wasn’t really in that place, she was still lost in lovemaking with the moon.

this offering out of the darkness seemed to come straight from the moon itself and she took her juicy finger and traced it up to a nipple where she again left it to rest.

she felt a little breeze at first, as though the wind itself were participating in her seduction and the cool air on her steaming flesh wrought a shiver from her and a small lifting of her hips.

the breeze freshened and warmed and then she felt it, the faintest of touches right on the tip of her swollen clit. a small start from her as she realised that this wasn’t her imagination after all but that was all. determinedly she kept her eyes screwed shut and allowed her imagination to make of him what it would.

again he touched her with his feather light tongue and again she started. he began to lick her then, tiny little strokes along the edge of her clit that had her quivering almost instantly.

he continued with this until her hips took off from the ground again and then he wrapped a forearm around her waist and held her in place as he began to wash her in earnest.

long slow strokes around her outer lips as she lay there in his grip and fought to lift off even further. her hips wanted to thrash but he held her pinioned between his arm and his mouth.

she moaned deep in her throat and in response he began to lick her hole, tongue flickering around the entrance and occasionally darting in. her head started to thrash a little from side to side and she felt him smile then before he licked down the crack of her ass and back to her hole where he pistoned into her with his tongue and kept her hips imprisoned.

she cried out again, wordless groans of pure pleasure in a forbidden place and he relented at last, dragging his hot tongue up her slit to her begging clit. remorselessly he drove her with his ravaging tongue until she was moaning continuously and small gushes were erupting from her.

he backed off then, just enough to keep her riding the line between pleasure and fulfillment and brought his other hand to the party, teasing her hole and her clit intermittently until she thrust a little and two of his fingers slid inside.

he kept her there, thrashing with pleasure while he teased her gushing entrance with his fingers and his tongue danced just maddeningly enough to keep her from the release she so desperately craved.

small pre-shocks coursed through her and she heard herself calling out and then she erupted into diamond shards of moonlight and bliss and she sailed on his magical mouth as he took her over the edge again and again and again.

finally when she could take no more he stopped and slowly settled her to the ground as she groaned in spent satisfaction and collapsed boneless in the moonlight with an exhausted smile.

feather light he blew gently a final time on her engorged flesh and she trembled once more as he slipped back into the moonlight that had formed him.

Posted in fantasy, public, sex fantasy. Leave a Comment »
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