badinfluencegirl

evolution

something is happening to this blog that i really like.

i’m finding some kind of balance between smut and sex and life that seems to be opening itself to ever growing honesty and i like it.

six months ago, for whatever reason, i would not have posted a tale like smile because i would have deemed it somehow not right for a sex blog and now? now i realize somehow that this isn’t *a* sex blog it’s *my* sex blog and like the teenage girl who can cry if she wants to i can get outrageously and unremittingly romantic if i so desire.

more than that i realise that the more honest i get here the more people like what i write. smut is all well and good and i expect to continue writing it but i didn’t get fleshbotted until i wrote a post about falling for my lover (…)

a post which had very few words about sex in it might i mention.

there is something inherently honest in a sex blog that i haven’t found in a day to day blog. the one you write that your friends and your parents read has things clipped out by necessity.

somehow, unlike chelsea girl, i can’t really imagine my mother reading about me lying in a wet spot and grooving on the fact that there wasn’t a dry spot to be found. which i do groove on by the way, the utter destruction of a set of clean sheets is a sign of a well done sex date. but i digress and though i like a good forking as much as the next girl this post is about what i blog rather than sex.

it’s almost like the act of starting a ‘dirty’ blog has freed me to incorporate sex into my day to day life and yet still maintain a seperate space without sex in it. kind of like an office. and yet it’s that very anonymity that allows me to keep looking deeper and come up with something more.

i couldn’t do this if all my friends were reading it and discussing it at cocktail parties. i couldn’t do it if my picture was attached (although that IS my back in my avatar pic) and i most definetely couldn’t do it if my parents knew how to find it… although they do know that it exists.

somehow, in this little corner where only half a dozen people know who i really am (and most of them are gay or female or my ex-lover who BETTER know he isn’t welcome here anymore [but would have been if he weren't a person who would rather bury his head in the sand than tell the truth]) i can plumb my own depths and go looking for the things i really am. and somehow i could not have done this if i hadn’t first written a non-sex blog for a couple of years.

that blog taught me to write from a place of truth and it taught me to write even when i don’t want to and it taught me that sometimes the posts with no comments are the ones that mean the most to the writer. it also taught me when not to write and when to think before posting and both of those are somehow even more important here.

it’s that place of truth thing that is, i think, the most important part of this. not that all of my smut is true because it isn’t, but that i have to believe that it’s possible, i have to want it somehow, i have to know that someone out there is doing just that thing that i’m writing about… or could be. i can’t make up stories that have superheroes in them any more than i can make up stories that have pedophilia in them.

yes, i know pedophilia is real just as i know that my young gay friend had his first sexual experience with a man very much his senior and in NO way considers himself to have been abused. but the one is not the other. in the latter case he went into it as a relatively adult male in spite of his ‘legal’ age and in the former there is of necessity an abuse of power in some sense.

anyway, it’s been a lot of fun to watch my sex drive evolve along with this blog. i am entertaining sexual thoughts that i would not have even a year ago and i am libidinous in a way that i’ve never been.

i would, in fact, encourage anyone wrestling with sex drive issues to both read blogs and keep a journal (online or no but online allows you to get thoughts from strangers which are somehow inherently more ‘true’ than those of your intimates) as a way of exploring and discovering their own needs and desires. and don’t for a second think that someone else can find your sex drive for you. they can HELP but the work is yours.

i have to finish with the relatively simple and yet rather mind-blowing thought that i’m not sure anything short of pilates has had the kind of fundamental self and life changing effect that this blog has… and that’s a *good* thing.