i don’t have any porn in my fingers today i’m sorry.
it’s amazing how hard it is to write smut when your body is a little bit broken and you can’t get yourself off.
no, it’s not that i’m not horny, and it’s not because i’m dating mr. new guy. mr. new guy is busy working at the other end of the planet and mr other new guy is too young for me… and yet we’re still going on another date.
yeah i don’t know how i ended up dating two men at once but until i fuck one of them who cares?
but that’s not why there’s no porn in my fingers… nope, nothing so nice as all that. (although how nice is that?!?!)
i dragged my sorry ass to the doctor last week because i decided that three to five bladder infections in a year AND several bouts of yeast or almost yeast was just NOT normal. just not. and i really wasn’t down with all the people telling me ‘oh it’s because you’re over thirty five now, just get used to it.’
just get used to it?????????????????
just get used to it?????????????????????????????
have these people EVER had a bladder or urinary tract infection in their lives? obviously not!
so i went to the doctor and i told her my tale of woe and brought her the records from the walk-in clinic i go to when i just can’t bear to wait three days for an appointment and generally threw myself on the mercy of the medical system.
‘help me doctor!’ said i, ‘i can’t bear this infernal itching any longer!’
and she did.
i know, not what i was expecting either.
and here’s the bit you all need to listen to okay? i don’t have a yeast problem nor do i have a bladder problem.
nope, i have a synthetics problem.
she sticks me in the lovely stirrups (which i hate and SO want to get fucked in… but i digress) and takes a look and says ‘yup sure looks angry and irritated’ and i nod feelingly and then she whips out the speculum (god bless whoever made these out of something warmer than stainless steel!) and takes a look and says ‘hrm, no sign of yeast.’
and i stare at her and yet i know she’s right. i don’t have enough symptoms for a yeast infection, no icky goo coming out of me, no fish smells from bacterial vaginosis, nothing that says yeast except the infernal itching.
so yeah, it turns out that i have contact dermatitis.
what’s that you say? i live in yoga pants. yoga pants are NOT made of cotton. yoga pants are made of luon or spandex or lycra or other equally shitty things and you know what? if you sweat and dry repeatedly in such clothing your poor little nether regions have a heart attack.
they get dried out and itchy and red and irritated and you basically end up with an EXTERNAL yeast infection. and THEN?
oh yeah, there’s an and then.
and then you pee or fuck or masturbate or stick a toy up yourself and you take this screwed up external mess and you shove it up inside your healthy vagina and whammo! bladder or urinary tract or yeast infection!
also known as no partying in your pants.
fortunately the cure is dead easy.
wear cotton, more cotton and then some more cotton. [whodda thunk it? mother was right!]
change OUT of workout clothing after you sweat in it. don’t sit around in it all day.
wash with ivory or something milder.
apply doctor prescribed anti-itch cream crossed with anti-fungal cream twice a day until the itching stops.
watch thy vagina turn pink and healthy again!
so yeah, couple days more of this and i should be able to fuck myself at which point the porn will flow.
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this public service announcement brought to you by badinfluencegirl and the yeast gods :)
