sometimes i wonder why i do this anymore.
don’t worry, i’m not planning to stop.
it’s just that i started to do this because i was looking for my missing sex drive.
shut up, i can hardly believe i was her either but there it is. i couldn’t understand how a woman of so many passions in such different areas could have so little interest in sex.
i mean i went a solid YEAR without masturbating even. and no, i wasn’t getting any during that year, i was in fact getting nothing at all and i was okay with that.
sure i got horny once in a while, thought longingly about sex a little and then basically rolled over and grabbed a novel.
i had a lot of healing to do then, in body and mind and i had no idea how much more there was coming or where it would take me.
eventually i started to want a boyfriend and even then i didn’t go looking for sex, i just went looking for a man.
is it any wonder i didn’t find one?
anyway, at some point i started to think about what happened sexually in many of my previous relationships. i wondered if it might be possible that the sex dying wasn’t only because the relationship was dying.
i began to wonder how someone who instigated so many things in her life could fail to instigate sexually. i heard stories about lesbian bed death and realized that i had helped that to happen in my own long term relationships.
that wasn’t as true with my ex-husband actually, our relationship died either with or before our sex life… but otherwise it seemed pretty universal.
i wondered too how i could have been celibate for three years and have masturbated so little. have yearned for sex so little. have been horny so rarely. have cared about those facts not at all.
how was it possible?
i love food and sports and life and people so much and yet there i was thinking sex was kinda messy? not worth the energy?
what???
my sister gave me ‘sex for one’ and the like and i started to read bubblegum meltdown’s now disappeared blog and get sort of intrigued by her whole nympomaniac thing.
this sex thing sounded like the best thing since sliced bread when she talked about it. heck it sounded BETTER than sliced bread even.
okay, i had to do something. how did i not get what the fuss was about?
so i started to read dirty blogs (oh dirtyboy i am forever grateful to your dirty little mind… [her too in fact]) and to read and read and read them and then i started to masturbate to those self same blogs.
and then i went camping.
i went camping and i masturbated on a dock in full view of god and everyone and the entire time i was doing it i was telling dirtyboy the story in my head.
home i came and i wrote down said story and prepared to send it to him and then i realized. why do that? why not just start this blog instead?
so i did.
and i can’t believe the effect it’s had.
i feel like i’ve found myself here. not just my sex drive although as you can see this was one of the later steps in the process… well that or maybe that lover i took to explore my newly discovered drive with…
i’ve found my feminine side and my sexual side and a lot of my personal power and confidence. it’s all just blossomed.
and i know that a ton of that came from inside myself but somehow, somehow putting it out there made it ever so much more powerful than it ever could have been by itself.
maybe even just the part where i know someone is waiting for me to post again and i have to plumb the depths of my brain for something to write.
whether it’s a true story or a fantasy i’ve still had to dredge my brain to find it and that act alone has forced quintupled self and sexual awareness into myself.
quintupled.
i would never have worked this hard or looked so far if i hadn’t put it out there for strangers to read.
hunh…
i guess i’ve just answered my own question… one wonders what i will find next :)
