recently i said no to my boyfriend when he wanted to have sex.
not because i was mad at him or because i wanted to get something from him. not to make or break any kind of point. not because i’ve suddenly decided that i have no feelings for him and not entirely because i wasn’t in the mood.
although i no longer was.
i said no because it was two o’clock in the morning and i needed to be up at 8:30; and i said no because i had been up since 5:45 that morning and now it was two am; and i said no because the mood had been broken by the heavy conversation that had broken out in the middle of sex play.
i don’t like those conversations, they’re never fun and they’re always interrupting something that *is* fun and furthermore they tend to leave you exhausted and drained.
i like even less when they happen late at night and i’m exhausted because i absolutely believe that going to bed angry is a mistake. i really and truly think that when you aren’t happy with each other it’s a terrible idea to sleep on it.
i know this because i’ve woken up after going to bed angry and found all my little grievances lines up in a row. neatly dressed and waiting like little soldiers carrying bayonets of rage and just waiting to stab away at whoever their victim might be. solidified somehow where they had been nebulous and easy to let drop away in the shadows of the night.
so there you are at one in the morning and all you want from the universe is the eight hours of sleep you might have had if you had gone to bed an hour ago and here you are embroiled in some conversation involving heaviness and hard thinking.
and then finally, mercifully, at two am or four am or dawn, it ends. it ends and you’re exhausted and your partner (who woke up many hours later than you AND can sleep for at least an hour longer in the morning) wants to have sex now.
wants to make love and re-affirm your connection to each other and feels somehow that you need to do that because it will be good for y’all.
and all you want is to let your eyes close and your brain stop spinning.
well that and a time machine so you can go somewhere and sleep for two days before returning to the now.
so the the question of how to say no in such a way that your partner knows, and not just knows, BELIEVES that you are simply saying ‘not tonight love, i’m too tired’ rather than ‘i am making you pay for the heavy discussion’ or ‘i don’t love you anymore’ or anything.
how? how not to make him wake up in the morning feeling rejected or not welcome or somehow less?
how to keep your sex life alive and thriving in the face of this kind of crap?
how not to turn into the cliched old married couple that never fucks and rarely talks?
how do you have a night like that and not turn it into a series of nights like that? a pattern of them if you will?
is the right answer to let him have his way even in the face of every fiber of your being shouting ‘no please… so tired and really… don’t want to!’ even though that feels utterly against your own needs and desires?
where, in a healthy relationship, do your desires become more or less important than your partners? at what point do you say ‘okay this is what i need but they need it more?’
how do you draw those lines and not grow them into walls?
January 19, 2008 at 7:57 pm
I think you stand firm in what you want and gently share it with him…if he questions it, well, giving in one time once in a while (on BOTH SIDES here, note) is the ideal compromise. It doesn’t always go your way…but it will lessen the occurence of being disheveled and angry when you’re in bed….All the best.
My own blog is back up, BIG…come find me.,,:)
January 20, 2008 at 12:38 am
Shit, it was like I’ve been there, I’ve done that with all those feelings.
I’d rather die than live the life of cliched old married couples, no sex, no talk, I know i will cheat and i’m sure he will do the same.
i dunno what must be said when you’re tired and all you need is some sleep and you don’t need that late conversations making you feel like a big piece of crap while sleeping, but sometimes they happen.
To avoid those conversations from going on, we just sleep separately but you’re right that’s not a solution cos you will feel worse than the previous night when you wake up.
sometimes we use pillows, almost strangling the other. Now I think we’re doing it all wrong. every now and then we reach a mutual understanding of “please shut up, i’m tired” and it works not always, actually depends on the one being the dom at that time.
aha there’s something else, sticking notes on the fridge writing about what shouldn’t or should have happened the night before. I don’t recommend this one, our fridge look like anything but a fridge.
ps: if you find out a way to say such things, I’ll be glad to know.
January 20, 2008 at 12:39 am
hey hey it’s not fair I’m not Anonymous, why it put that horrible name on my comment *~*
January 20, 2008 at 8:23 am
Honestly, old cliched married couple is kind of a saying because its true. Life takes variety to keep it exciting and after many years of marriage it gets more and more difficult to think of new things. You end up doing them all and in the end you always need new stimulation. Its natural to feel this way. I think so long as what you do doesn’t become a boring routine things should be fine. Turn him away once but make it a habit and he’ll find it somewhere else. Its human nature.
January 21, 2008 at 8:00 am
I think it was a rhetorical question, but since you asked…. “I love you but I’m exhausted and I have to get up in 4 hours” works for me. Then you leave him a note for when he gets up telling him what you want to do the next time you both have time and energy, and that you love him…
January 22, 2008 at 9:01 pm
anonymous: i confess that i will need more clues. the only person that lived in the town your ip is from that i know of moved to southern cali recently… perhaps a nick? some shared experience…
what i want to know is what to do when you want to compromise but you are literally falling asleep.
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nate: that’s just it, i don’t want to be that old married couple either, i hate being them because it’s miserable for everyone and you either break up, cheat or fix it. i want to avoid it!
i’m pretty sure going to bed mad is a really bad plan though and i KNOW that notes on the fridge telling your partner they’re a fuckup is even worse but i don’t know what the RIGHT answer is.
that said, pillow fights are okay… :)
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Dong: it seems that all the cliches are cliches because they’re true, that’s kind of the tragedy and the beauty of them. i know what you’re saying about variety but i also see couple like me parents who really have been happy together for something like 38/40 years or so… i’m not saying they didn’t have a couple of crappy times but we’re talking people who STILL want to hold each other’s hands you know?
i think you’re right, the key is not to make routines…
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Edward: if i end my post with a question? it’s a question :)
ah like the leaving the note idea, good one :)
February 22, 2008 at 8:59 pm
A hug works really well in these situations sometimes. Not to eliminate horniness in the middle of the night, but to provide reassurance that, yes, I still love you.
Then go back to sleep, either in his arms or in whatever way you usually sleep.
February 26, 2008 at 10:36 am
db: ah nice, i like that! that would absolutely have worked that night…
thanks!