badinfluencegirl

i thought about it with my ex-lover for a long time before i could actually do it.

when the time came i dove in with both feet because i had decided that it was just sex; had come to the conclusion that it was okay to go condom-free with him even though we were only bed buddies.

this was a reasoned and sane conclusion. neither of us was sleeping with someone else and we both had herpes and we agreed to use condoms with others AND to tell each other of such events (not that there were any) AND we had BOTH been tested well over three months after our last partners AND he was sterile.

but i wondered still. wondered if maybe sometimes barriers are in fact a good idea. wondered if maybe using them would keep my brain from going in directions i was firmly convinced i didn’t want it to go. wondered if condoms would make me remember that this was only about sex… or even if i needed to worry about that.

sex is, after all, an extremely intimate act and such a relationship done casually is one that should be entered into with extreme caution. extreme caution and a lot of talking where both sides talk about what their side of the deal is and what each expects from the other.

in other words, no one should enter into a bed buddy relationship without a lot of communicating and a lot of clear minded thinking. not to mention an exit strategy (that was our mistake, that and our failure to renegotiate every… six weeks or something.)

but we had done that, we thought we could deal and it was time to stop wasting money on very expensive non-latex condoms if we really had nothing to protect each other from. so we stopped with the condoms and the sex went from good to great just like that.

no really, just like that.

i hate to admit it because i’m a giant advocate of safe sex but it really is better without condoms. like a lot.

anyway he and i went on to have great and multiple sexual dates over several months before exploding in a pile of oops i’m getting feelings for you and you’re being an ass with the truth. and then i met my current man.

my current man, nicknamed mr. big by ms. secret over at pocket secrets, is not simply a lover although he plays one on this blog. he is a man who makes my brain laugh and think and wonder and smile and that’s on the days when i don’t like him very much. this is not a man i am sleeping with ‘just for the sex’ and as such we approached a lot of things very differently than my ex-lover and i did.

and not just the obvious waiting for a while to have sex or the less obvious part where we’re falling for each other too or even the long and thought out decision to remain monogamous at least for the foreseeable future. this man is neither sterile nor carrying herpes and thus any decisions we make around barriers are incredibly different.

but one thing that these two men have in common is that both of them have shared my bed and used condoms while doing it and both eventually got to a point where we were considering losing the condoms [even if only during my period.]

but the thought process was so entirely different.

with the ex i was worried about the greater intimacy that barrier-free sex might bring, concerned that it would bring us to a kind of emotional closeness that we really didn’t have. with this man i am in no way concerned about that, in fact i welcome it while wondering about sharing my sexually transmitted disease and a child with him.

so yeah, kind of different head spaces…

and somehow that made the experience of going without extremely different as well.

with one it simply made for better and easier sex. in both cases they had more control, we could play with more positions and there was a lot more edge riding and a lot less artificial lube. but therein the similarities ended.

we didn’t just change our sex life, we also changed our emotional landscape. somehow that piece of polyurethane (it’s okay just think of it as latex) was keeping us from fully exploring our sexual repertoire with each other. he had trouble functioning in all but a few positions with barriers and there was always this moment of interruption before we could get to the main event.

even with the female condom there was a moment, not as irritating or badly timed but there nonetheless. and still we needed extra lube… lots of extra lube.

and then, one day… all the test results were in and decisions were made together and we just started to make out until there he was poking against me and i was receiving him. and we stayed there for ages and ages, not quite fucking and not quite not and then we were.

this was not possible with condoms, somehow he was so much bigger and harder to take in and so much more lube and prep were needed. and none of that is the point.

the point?

we already had the kind of sex where you look into each other’s eyes and kiss [and no teeth clashing!! i thought that was impossible!] and breathe each other’s breath and feel like you’re affirming something even if you’re just fucking and it was fucking awesome.

but this? this is so much better. now we can feel each other all over and it’s…

you know? i don’t have words.