i didn’t used to understand how a writer could be made uncomfortable by their own writing; i do now.
my previous post, gasp, popped from my forehead fully formed during a particularly frustrating day in traffic. i couldn’t believe this thing that was writing itself in my head but i chose to honour it and write it down anyway. [if you have not yet read gasp please do so, you will know by the end of the third paragraph if you can bear it or not.]
is it made more disturbing or less by the fact that i ate lunch as i typed?
is it made more or less troubling by the fact that it took fewer than twenty five minutes to write and that long only because i was interuppted by the telephone several times as i typed?
what about if i tell you that while i was writing it i did not believe i was turned on at all but then, when i went to the bathroom, i found myself wet through?
i deliberately chose not to comment at all as the comments came in. i wanted to see people’s reactions without benefit of my own colouring of the events as i saw them.
what intrigues me about the comments is the different interpretations you all put on what i thought was a very straight forward post.
let us be clear, that was rape with absolutely no consent whatsoever. the victim did not know the rapist nor did she do anything but answer her door when it rang. for me that was at least as important as what followed.
the true horror of the story, to my mind, lies in the forcing of her body to do his dirty work for him. he slicked her up with her own juices and let HER body and her struggles pleasure him as he stood there with her wrists over her head.
so i wrote it, i was shocked, and then i waited to see what the fallout might be.
interesting to me that at least some of you consider this to have been one of my deepest fantasies. it isn’t.
it was a post born of the road rage that becomes ever more common when trying to survive a trip anywhere in this city. it was born of money worries and hidden angers and various other little things that all seem a little easier to take now that this little piece of nastiness has left my fingers.
i still fully believe that it was a post worth writing and a post worth sharing. i wanted it to disturb you. i wanted you to feel arousal and to be upset by it. i don’t know why i wanted that but it seems to have been important.
furthermore i believed that the story was clearly non-consensual and yet at least one person considered it ravishment play. or shared a ravishment story while recognizing that this was rape. i’m not sure. that’s the part that’s neat… we all react to things from our own worldviews and we don’t always see what to others is clear and present.
god i love human social behaviour.
tito, if it’s ANY consolation? i don’t like the story either.
and then we get to the comment i was waiting for.
Holy fuck Girl! This just strips me down to nothing. The fabulous writing compensates for the uncomfortableness of the subject. Will I be stoned if I say part of me was turned on?
no. no you won’t. that’s exactly what i hoped would happen.
i wanted to twist perceptions and play with your minds a little. make of horror something that was nonetheless arousing. although i consider this tale to be nasty and awful i still think it’s hot.
and that, i guess, was the magic of it for me. that’s what actually made it worth posting in spite of my own disgust at the behaviour of the man in question.
so i guess now i want to hear from you. would you have posted it? are you glad that i did? if not why not?
June 28, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I think it was worth posting. I definitely found it disturbing and, well, a little arousing. I feel writing it down gets it out of your head and is some type of mental release of lifes frustrations.
June 28, 2008 at 11:45 pm
BadInfluenceGirl – Part of the reason I assumed it was a fantasy of yours was this part of the disclaimer:
just to be clear: the act of writing down a fantasy in no way implies the desire to see said fantasy fulfilled.
Because most (all?) of my own erotic writing is fantasy, it was easy to assume that you were using the term fantasy to mean something that you think of while you are pleasuring yourself.
The other part of the reason I assumed this was a fantasy of yours is because I happen to have had a rape fantasy in my life that I at one time used regularly for solo sex. And I don’t think I’m the only one out there.
I’m so glad you posted this follow-up.
- Kyra.
June 29, 2008 at 1:43 am
I am glad you posted it, and if I could write like that I would post too.
I am not at all surprised that ravishment play came to mind for at least one of your readers (as it did for me as well) because of the level of sexual arousal involved for both the female and the male in the story. Although I have minimal knowledge of rape psychology, it’s my understanding that it has precious little to do with arousal and desire and everything to do with power and control.
What are your thoughts on forced orgasms? Perhaps it is my own sexual dysfunction speaking, but a female orgasm doesn’t seem possible if the woman really, truly does not want the contact.
June 29, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I took your disclaimer before “GASP” with a touch of forewarning and foreboding. As in, I knew it would be ugly.
And it was. Much like a train wreck though, knowing it would not be pretty, I had to watch anyway. It was brutal and horrific, yet caused the pulse to flutter at the same time. Funny how the mind and adrenalin works sometimes (Barker and King would be nowhere without that effect).
Despite the nasty and macabre nature, it is still a good piece of writing. I’ve found the better stories tend to do just what you’ve said, “Popped into my forehead…”. And despite, or because of, the disturbing images they present, they deserve being captured and placed in writing.
Like you though, I would be concerned about those that viewed it only as “HOT!”.
June 30, 2008 at 9:10 am
I read the disclaimer. But as I read the fantasy, I kept thinking somewhere (probably at the end) you would say something about it being pre-arranged. When I realized that was not the case, my only reaction was to “gasp.” I found it to be erotic as I read it because I ASSUMED there was going to be a catch of some kind. Guess I read the disclaimer too quickly. Afterwards I was too shocked to say anything else.
Good post – made me think and took me by surprise!
June 30, 2008 at 6:59 pm
The thing I pondered randomly in the hours/days after I read it was–which side was she writing from? Since it was from the male perspective, I figured it was less fantasy and more… something else. Nice to know that my lit. analysis wasn’t that far off. ;-)
July 1, 2008 at 10:26 pm
if only we could control what our mind thinks of and what gets the blood pumping.
July 17, 2008 at 8:34 am
mommydee: that was exactly how the post made me feel when i wrote it. aroused and disturbed and titillated and horrified all at once…
but yeah it’s definitely cathartic to write that down and let the rage or whatever out of your head…
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kyra: ah fair enough, i wasn’t really clear. i guess i don’t really know what to call these images that spring into my head if not fantasies you know?
i’ve absolutely had ravishment fantasies but never so hard core as this. more of the “she fought the hot fire of his tongue before succumbing with a moan” version than actual rape.
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IS: i think it’s my combination historical romance and science fiction addiction although the former is less now. your understanding of rape psycholgy and mine are the same here, what i don’t know is whether or not it’s possible to force a woman to orgasm… but i tend to think it might be with some women and that is where the real squick of this one lies for me.
July 17, 2008 at 8:39 am
naughty boy: a friend tells me the disclaimer was too strong… i think that it might even have been a touch weak…
(have you read weaveworld by barker? non horror and yet wonderful anyway) you’re right about horror, if we didn’t read it like a train wreck it would do nothing at all for us. that said, i haven’t liked king since he fired the editor that cut hundreds of boring pages out of his books. i mean really now, just how long can you climb a flight of stairs for if nothing happens at the top? but i digress.
i’m glad you think it was worth posting, i somehow knew that i had to even as i couldn’t really believe i was going to.
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unbroken: thank you. i think shocking a regular reader is a high compliment indeed!
what might you add to such a disclaimer to better warn yourself?
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red: lol
nope you were pretty much dead on. i don’t write from the man’s side often but i’m glad to know that i *can*
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pitseleh: word.