badinfluencegirl

it’s funny you know, you go looking for your sex drive and you find it and you think the work is done. you think you’ve found the damn thing so you can kind of let it go to take care of itself.

this isn’t actually true.

it’s true for a little while, or while you’re still smoking pot or even while you’re in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship but it isn’t actually true long term.

long term there is more work to be done or at least vigilance is required because the darned thing is still a part of the rest of me and if the rest of me is down or depressed or sleepless or otherwise fucked then my sex drive is well… not fucked.

i thought i was done and in many ways i was, but the part that i didn’t get was the part where i have to keep it up. the blog did me a lot of good, i found out what i wanted and needed and i get my boyfriend off with my writing.

sex stays part of my regular awareness now and this blog serves it’s purpose admirably well because i HAVE to review sex toys and i have to post. since i have to do these things i’m effectively coerced into keeping my sex drive awake.

for some of you this probably seems like a no-brainer. like seriously how can anyone lose their sex drive?

for some of you you’re nodding your heads and going ‘yeah man, sing it sister’ or the like. i can’t speak for anyone but myself but i can honestly say i’ve gone a year and more without my genitals being touched for anything but urination.

my boyfriend?

i’m not sure he’s made it twenty four hours.

i worry sometimes that as i get older or kids come into the picture i won’t be able to keep him satisfied and i truly hope that if this becomes an actual issue i will do the mature and selfless thing and write him a cheque to go play elsewhere.

hope springs eternal and all that.

i went a year without an orgasm and i did NOT care.

it’s been a very slow month or two for me and i’m not bothered by this in the slightest… EXCEPT that my poor man is getting just a little frustrated [doesn't help that i'm STILL wrestling with chronic bladder problems... makes a girl afraid to fuck somehow.]

regardless here i am in low sex drive land again and i’ve got the old flashlight out and i’m searching and searching for it but it’s hard because i just don’t care. the only reason that i care AT ALL is for the sake of mr. big because otherwise?

i’d just let it lag for a while except for the occasional toy review. i have enough stories started that i bet i could even write smut for a while. see the thing that’s interesting is that even when i’m not that interested the mechanisms still work. i can still get aroused i just can’t be arsed to do anything about it.

it’s really kinda strange right?

i cared when i didn’t know where it was but when it fades i don’t care as much. i think in large part my current sexual ennui is caused by the never ceasing bladder problems. i mean it’s sure hard to stay interested when you know you’ll be crying as you pee in the morning.

and no, i’m not exaggerating i just haven’t successfully gotten a gynecologist or the like to tell me how to fix it! like really, who wants to go sex drive finding when they’re just going to break their god damn sex bits anyway?

and yet… ?

here i am with the flashlight.

[as always, thoughts/comments/advice are WELCOMED]