so it’s official, mr. big and i have decided to split up.
my reaction perplexes me actually. part of me is relieved because the decision is made and yet there is a strange and lurching feeling just under my diaphragm that makes me wonder if i’ve actually felt any of it yet at all.
i can’t really wrap my head around the idea that he isn’t mine anymore. that he’s allowed (nay encouraged!) to run off and sleep with other people and date and just generally enjoy himself and sow some wild oats; that he isn’t coming over tonight to meow into my entry buzzer system.
i have this clutching in my abdomen and this feeling that i can’t really explain. the best word might be bereft.
i guess this is the mourning part or something; it seems that those are required after all. it’s just that i’ve never done this before.
i’ve never broken up with someone without anger or recrimination. with hugs and promises of lifelong friendship. there has always been anger or acrimony or enormous relief that the torture was over, but not here, not this time.
mostly i’m sad and a little stunned. i never thought we would get here, not us, not two such awesome people.
we came to the conclusion that we could beat each other into something that worked for us or we could release each other to go find our own paths and continue being our awesome selves. i will wonder for a while if that was a foolish decision.
if maybe we just didn’t try hard enough to figure out how to live together. if we let too many things fall under the rug. if it’s crazy to let someone awesome go because you aren’t quite so awesome together as you are apart.
i’m pretty sure we’re doing the right thing, in fact we agreed that we weren’t sad enough. if we loved each other the way you must to survive in this world together we should have felt awful at the idea of not being with each other anymore.
instead we were bittersweet and admitted to each other that we hated the idea that the other would now date someone else. that we were jealous of each other and not quite ready to share us; that he wasn’t allowed to fuck some other chick.
which led to us deciding that breakup sex would just confuse things.
i am bemused.
i have a split personality.
pieces of me are so stoked at the idea of getting to go out there and see what’s available. and then i remember where i am and how i go over in this town and that seems pointless.
pieces of me cannot conceive of the idea that i don’t belong to him anymore.
just cannot.
and yet i remain unconvinced that i am sad enough to change the outcome. and even if i were to realize, at some future crossroads, that i had made a most terrible mistake? i don’t really believe that he will ever feel that way.
in fact i suspect that he will recover faster than i and i *know* that he will be dating first. girls love those big blue eyes of his and that ready smile. not to mention that his posture is dramatically better since i started teaching him pilates so he’s gotten hotter.
i think he will date more than one woman before anyone even makes eyes at me. such is the life of a woman my age in this town.
ah well.
i don’t really know how to cope with this eerie calmness and parting with such affection. it seems all my coping strategies are tied in to that anger/rage thing i’m used to from before.
breaking up isn’t supposed to have hugging and sadness and dating advice and checking in the next day to make sure you’re both okay.
is it?
