so it’s official, mr. big and i have decided to split up.
my reaction perplexes me actually. part of me is relieved because the decision is made and yet there is a strange and lurching feeling just under my diaphragm that makes me wonder if i’ve actually felt any of it yet at all.
i can’t really wrap my head around the idea that he isn’t mine anymore. that he’s allowed (nay encouraged!) to run off and sleep with other people and date and just generally enjoy himself and sow some wild oats; that he isn’t coming over tonight to meow into my entry buzzer system.
i have this clutching in my abdomen and this feeling that i can’t really explain. the best word might be bereft.
i guess this is the mourning part or something; it seems that those are required after all. it’s just that i’ve never done this before.
i’ve never broken up with someone without anger or recrimination. with hugs and promises of lifelong friendship. there has always been anger or acrimony or enormous relief that the torture was over, but not here, not this time.
mostly i’m sad and a little stunned. i never thought we would get here, not us, not two such awesome people.
we came to the conclusion that we could beat each other into something that worked for us or we could release each other to go find our own paths and continue being our awesome selves. i will wonder for a while if that was a foolish decision.
if maybe we just didn’t try hard enough to figure out how to live together. if we let too many things fall under the rug. if it’s crazy to let someone awesome go because you aren’t quite so awesome together as you are apart.
i’m pretty sure we’re doing the right thing, in fact we agreed that we weren’t sad enough. if we loved each other the way you must to survive in this world together we should have felt awful at the idea of not being with each other anymore.
instead we were bittersweet and admitted to each other that we hated the idea that the other would now date someone else. that we were jealous of each other and not quite ready to share us; that he wasn’t allowed to fuck some other chick.
which led to us deciding that breakup sex would just confuse things.
i am bemused.
i have a split personality.
pieces of me are so stoked at the idea of getting to go out there and see what’s available. and then i remember where i am and how i go over in this town and that seems pointless.
pieces of me cannot conceive of the idea that i don’t belong to him anymore.
just cannot.
and yet i remain unconvinced that i am sad enough to change the outcome. and even if i were to realize, at some future crossroads, that i had made a most terrible mistake? i don’t really believe that he will ever feel that way.
in fact i suspect that he will recover faster than i and i *know* that he will be dating first. girls love those big blue eyes of his and that ready smile. not to mention that his posture is dramatically better since i started teaching him pilates so he’s gotten hotter.
i think he will date more than one woman before anyone even makes eyes at me. such is the life of a woman my age in this town.
ah well.
i don’t really know how to cope with this eerie calmness and parting with such affection. it seems all my coping strategies are tied in to that anger/rage thing i’m used to from before.
breaking up isn’t supposed to have hugging and sadness and dating advice and checking in the next day to make sure you’re both okay.
is it?
September 4, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I feel sadness for you. But also admiration.
I don’t know if it’s supposed to, but does it feel better than the alternative?
My ex and I started out that way: tears, hugs, sadness, a kind of bonding in the loss and grief. But it got ugly in the aftermath (kids, money, he wanted to get back together and I didn’t).
I would have preferred it staying sweet.
September 4, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Anger, bitterness, relief – those all make a breakup easier, if you can even consider a break up easy. From what you have said, you look like a couple not quite attached well enough to stick together. Yet you still care for the other enough to worry about the fall. It sounds like you have been together for quite some time. And that just adds to the confusion… All I can tell you is it’s not a race to see who can date first. Take time to recover. You know you’re awesome – remember that! *HUGS*
September 4, 2008 at 11:53 pm
gillette: i’m curious what you’re admiring.
i think it does. i felt like we were on the road to that bitter couple that never fucks and sleeps in seperate rooms.
we don’t have kids or any money issues, we were only together for a year. he could be a millionaire tomorrow and the most i would expect was that he might pick up the cheque when we went for dinner on occasion.
yeah, i would too. i’m curious how this will unravel in the end as i feel myself trying to find reasons to be mad.
*
unbroken: absolutely they do. you get to focus on how mad you are and you never have to deal with the huge hollow feeling in the pit of your lungs.
yeah, i think that’s exactly what it is. sometimes i wonder if we didn’t rational each other to death you know? we were together for close to a year.
it’s funny, i don’t really feel like i need to recover. it was wonderful to date him and i’m sad we’re done but i don’t see that i need to go into hibernation either.
i’m not hunting but i’m not hiding in the basement either ;>
thanks! *hugs*
September 5, 2008 at 7:07 am
I”m afraid I don’t have many words of wisdom. I think you are awesome. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to be fucked as much as you choose to be, as time passes, and that you will find one (or more) who will admire you, celebrate life with you, laugh and cry with you, and be a companion.
e
September 5, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Ah….big…I admire that you both are telling the truth to yourselves. I’m not sure what love is any more. Your story touched me, even though I know a fraction of it. I’m writing a post on love and part of what influenced me was this post of yours.
I understand what you’re saying about the money. Our issues about it began when the kids made the decision to live with me full time and I asked him for child support. I thought that fair…he didn’t.
September 6, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Parting hurts. I am glad that yours was civilized. I hope it stays that way…
September 6, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Ms. B.I.G., I remember when you two first met, how hesitant you were. So it makes sense to me that you would be hesitant about the break-up. Little steps my friend. Give YOURSELF a break. XX
September 8, 2008 at 2:56 pm
I’m sorry to hear about you and the Mr. Take a deep breath and remember that there is no one way to do a break-up. Be kind to yourself, focus on your wonderful ways, and go from there.
*hugs*
September 10, 2008 at 9:05 am
Breaking up sucks, but doing it with a modicum of decency makes for cleaner wounds.
I feel for you and am sure you will land on your feet just fine.
May your scars be small and your nights quick.
September 12, 2008 at 1:00 am
E: thank you. interestingly enough, i have a date tomorrow.
*
gillette: and a lovely post it was by the way.
if it’s any consolation? i think that’s fair as well.
*
Annie: it shows no sign of changing. it helps that our lives are relatively unconnected still.
September 12, 2008 at 1:02 am
AS: i always wait before i have sex with the ones i really like. helps me keep my head a little. not sure it’s the right thing but whatever.
i feel okay, weirded out that i have a date but okay.
*
Butterfly: yes you are absolutely right.
that doesn’t make it any less strange to form new pathways in my head though.
*
grifters: thank you
i think that they will be actually, civilized is turning out much nicer than my previous ones…
September 14, 2008 at 12:57 pm
You sound healthy. It sounds like you’re approaching this with eye-open, and while there’s still a sting (for for you both), it sounds like you’re embarking on a new emotional space for you. If your unconscious is confused because it’s expecting a crisis, it might be a good time to breathe deeply and nurture that unconscious into appreciating What Could Be Good About This. You’ll probably enjoy the results. You might even feel a little liberation.
You’re being brave. That’s fantastic.