in the life of a serial monogamist there is a moment early in the getting to know you process when you realise that you will see this person again. probably more that once.
you get that they like you and that you like that they like you. you have started to dig them and have perhaps noticed smiling after seeing them but you haven’t actually done anything particularly physical yet.
well if you’re me.
if you’re me and you take your time when you get to know people and you have sex with them when you’re good and ready.
well except the ones you fuck and never see again.
that isn’t the same though. those are the people you know there isn’t anything there with; the ones that help you scratch an itch but that don’t particularly impact your life. the ones you can fuck because you don’t need to get to know them.
i cannot explain this if you aren’t wired this way. if you aren’t like this emotionally or physically you are one of those people who met your man and fucked him on the first date and you have a friend like me that you secretly pity. it’s okay, the feeling is mutual.
anyway somewhere around the second or third date you kiss each other or maybe there’s a little peck the first time and a slightly more lingering kiss the second time or maybe you full out french. but somewhere between the first lip linger and the second, or the fifth and the sixth you realise something.
you aren’t kissing your ex.
you aren’t kissing your ex AND you aren’t doing anything wrong AND this is totally different. this behaviour is in fact encouraged among both you and he and it is expected that things will always be different one partner to the other.
and yet?
and yet it’s still weird. you’re still touching the lips of someone at an angle that is new and different and the texture and softness and moistness factor will all be changed. it’s not bad it’s just different.
but somehow it’s almost difficult to get past the what isn’t and find the what is. at least for a moment or three.
it’s an odd little second always because there is something about the kind of serial monogamist that i am that is always convinced that this time you’re going to stay together longer. that there will be a few years at least before you consider ending things and moving on. that maybe even perhaps magically like you might like each other enough to like stay hooked up.
i have a sense that this is a pretty normal feeling for anyone embarking on any kind of relationship that isn’t a poly secondary type of thing. and even then i think sometimes people believe they’ve found long term seconds. in fact i know of one woman who had a second who came to dinner with her family on a regular basis.
for ten years.
so you know, people connect with each other and layer expectations all over those connections and never more so than in the dating realm. i know this isn’t true for everyone and i certainly don’t apply it to anyone i don’t know damn well but i’m putting it out there for y’all.
anyway we connect and expect and then split up, and the splitting is always a surprise even when you see the split coming in advance. you find yourself back in this place of single and not coupled or triaded or whatevered and you’re shocked one day to find that that’s it, no more with that person nope.
off the train!
so then you try another train. you explore it’s cars and realize that it might be okay too…
but man is it ever weird for just a moment or three…
