badinfluencegirl

as some of you may have gathered there has been some sex for me in the last little while.  lovely sex actually with great potential to turn into the kind of sex that disturbs the neighbours.

i’ve also started a long distance relationship.

some of his thoughts can be found here and if you pay attention you might notice that my most recent smut post (across 2) has some echoes in his most recent post (blown out.) i expect cross posting to happen again. [most of the posts from the screen that shows up in the google cache i linked are about me in some way.]

which is kind of weird to me.

but this isn’t about sex, although it could be.

it’s about the spaces between the sex where the rest of you makes connections.

i met this man, utterly randomly, before a conference while twenty people were sharing several dinner tables.  i met him and basically moved into his room for the weekend and by the following morning we were wandering around holding hands.

my friends noticed that he reached for my hand first; and approved.

i noticed his unfailing courtesy and sharp wit.

i didn’t really know if we were having a lost weekend or if we were starting something.  i didn’t know and, at first, i didn’t care.  i cared by the end of the weekend.

i cared but i chose to assume that nothing would come of it; that we were sharing a magical moment and life would continue as it had before; yet i already knew that i would miss him if i didn’t see him again.

fortunately he made it immediately clear that he would miss me too if we should fail to meet again, so that’s what we did, we met again.

we met again in my home and then in his and we have plans to continue this wherever it takes us and it’s exciting.  it’s exciting the way all new relationships are exciting and yet somehow there’s more to it than that.

some of it is my own growth and greater maturity.  there’s a change in approach to relationships after you’ve had a dozen of them; after you realise that no matter how promising the beginning some things needs must end.  that some loves last a lifetime, some a few months and some a few hours… and that that’s okay.

a caution and a slowness that feels essential is born of that and even when all your instincts tell you to close your eyes and dive into the opaque water you don’t do it.  you hold a little piece of yourself back and you wait and see.

some of it is his growth and greater maturity.  this is a man not a boy.

this is a being who has had his own dozen experiences and his own tempering moments.  who is generous to a fault and worries more about your happiness than his own.  who can take care of himself just fine thank you very much and yet might like it if someone cared enough about him to worry.

some of it is better knowledge of my own self and what is necessary to me.

some of it comes of the understanding that if my last boyfriend hadn’t been selfish and immature i wouldn’t now be so clearly able to see the difference between nice and pussy.  between knows his own mind and petulance.

that if the man before that hadn’t been an incredibly generous lover and a peaceful soul i might not appreciate the ease with which we don’t talk to each other or his total failure to count orgasms.

seriously i have had men whine to me about the things i don’t do for them without EVER wondering what they could do for me, trust me this is the WORST way to get more blow jobs… worst.  without this generous lover i might never have learned that it really is better to give than to receive even, no especially when it comes to sex.

i could go on but i won’t, as i believe the point makes itself.

so i feel like maybe i have a chance to figure this guy out well enough to maybe live with him without wanting to kill him… that often.  and i think he maybe thinks that about me…

which is daunting.

but here’s the thing, i feel like maybe the distance between us will help us figure out this thing better than if we lived in the same town.  we will clearly only see each other because we want to badly enough to get on a plane.

we will be forced to take time away from each other to reflect and consider what we’re learning.  to see the rhythms of our seperate lives before we ever consider linking them.

we will have to take our time a little and restrain many otherwise uncontainable impulses thus giving our little fire a chance to grow into something with a deep bed of coals instead of just a quick flame that any little breeze can blow out.

so yeah, maybe the distance is actually a blessing.  maybe.

i’m on a pretty exciting path, i wonder where it goes…