badinfluencegirl

i understand, you know.

i understand your crazy dedication to your job and how much you love it… and in fact, it’s one of the things that attracted me to you in the first place.  that dedication and passion you bring to your work reminded me of men that i’ve admired in the past and led me to believe i understood the kind of man you are.

i understand that meeting someone who is passionate and at least as smart as you are can be daunting.  i mean heck, i was pretty freaked out when i met you.  well actually, not then; then i just thought we were having a lost weekend so i didn’t really think anything of it.  the freaking out started when you started sending me text messages and flowers within hours of our parting.

and then it got really full bore when you read both my blogs in an afternoon and told me we were perfectly matched.

i understand that in the early moments of meeting me i was amazing and vibrant and the most interesting thing ever, and i understand that that newness wears off.  it always does with me, you know.  usually it takes somewhere between four and eight months, so i must at least give you credit for setting a new land speed record in your trip from discovering my total awesomeness to not being sure if you ever want to see me again.

i understand that you had intentions of staying single for a while after your last mess so that you could get a handle on what you wanted and needed for yourself.  that meeting me was not in your plan.

but meeting someone you connect with?

that doesn’t happen every day and it most definitely doesn’t ever suit a plan.  it happens randomly over dinner with a group of friends, when you bump into each other in the lineup at the grocery store, when you’re cast in a play together, or whatever… but never, no, hardly ever according to any life plan that anyone might have set up.

i understand that you need to backpedal and that you need to go to your little corner and figure this out.  decide if you want kids or even just a lifemate.  decide if your life alone in your house is enough for you or if it isn’t.  if i’m your woman or if you’re going to trade me in for the next one to come along.

i understand that you really believe that withdrawing from me so you could do your thinking was the right thing to do, and that talking to me about it was not the correct thing from your perspective, even though two friends and i were driving down to see you.  after all, i have no say in your life, not really; it’s your life and you have to decide how to live it.

still, i’m not sure you see how hard that withdrawal was to receive. to guess and to wonder what was going on.  to have to confront you to find out that you aren’t sure after all if you want me in your life.  i’m totally sure you have no earthly idea how hard it is to be in your house and sleeping in your bed with nowhere else to go while all this is happening.

or how hard it is on the friends that came to visit you (and had originally planned to stay somewhere else until you encouraged their visit so strongly they accepted your invitation) with me.  and i apologise if you don’t think we know how hard our grumpy mood on arrival was on you.

or what telling a woman not to be sad and not to pretend to be cheerful does to her just after she feels that it was all a big bait and switch.

i get that this is hard for you and that you feel that all of the things i’ve said to you since you dumped me (since i met you?) are fully negative and that there is therefore no point talking to me at all.  though i’m not entirely convinced that you’re hearing the way you’re talking to me.

i understand that you actually think it’s possible to hang out and pretend everything is fine after you tell your purported girlfriend that you don’t know what you want, that you don’t know if you want her, that you think your communication styles are fatally mismatched and that every single thing that comes out of her mouth is apparently some kind of weapon.

i even understand that you think having kids is a dealbreaker for me, though it isn’t,  and that you aren’t sure at all if you want to have them or not.  which would have been fine except that you didn’t talk to me about it.  so many things you didn’t talk to me about; i will never understand why.

what i think you don’t understand?

is that i got dumped today and you won’t say it out loud and somehow you’ve made it my fault and left me just enough hope to hang myself.

—

i wrote this post at four am when i couldn’t sleep because i was so sick and upset over what was happening with the man from the post absence.  he had withdrawn and become distant and uninterested in making further plans with me but continued to assert that he was into me.

my friends and i felt unwelcome from the moment we arrived at his home. eventually, i pushed enough and he told me he was trying to decide what he wanted and that he was not sure he even wanted to date anyone let alone me. that he had had concerns since our meeting (two months ago) about my communication style and my negativity.

this confused me because sure, we teased each other as friends do but if he perceived this as a negative why didn’t he simply say so?  even once?

the following morning (i was sharing his bed and at his house, you can imagine how well things were going) when i attempted to talk to him once more, i was told that my negative reaction to his perfectly natural need to think and my habit of throwing “verbal daggers” and my “unwarranted cruelty” had demonstrated to him that there was to be no positive outcome from this.

so basically because i failed to welcome his contemplation of being unsure he wanted to date me, and because i reacted by feeling dumped and being incredibly sad and hurt and by making a couple of snarky cracks he felt justified in telling my friends and me to “find alternate accommodations.”

far as i can tell?

he never saw me at all…