badinfluencegirl

there is something inside me that simply refuses to give up hope.

even when i am saying out loud “that’s it, i give up, i’m not going to try any more” i am instead changing my approach… again. or not.

the truth is that i love men, always have.  i have played with the boys my whole life, first as a tomboy, then as a young woman who was into all those ‘guy’ things and now as a woman who both befriends and dates them.  even when i had no friends i was more likely to fish or climb rocks than i ever was to sew or play with dolls (though i did all of these things.)

i love their crudeness and the smell they exude after working with their bodies all day.  i love their firmness and the way our pelvises fit like they’re made to and i love penises and body hair rubbing against my nipples and most especially i love their very maleness.  men are not women, they are different and other and wonderful.

and somehow, no matter how many times i get kicked off the horse, i continue to love them and to believe in them and to befriend them.   to want them around and to catch their eye while walking down the street.  somehow?  no matter what?  i still keep thinking i might find one i can date for a long time instead of a short time.

i’ve stopped using words like forever and lifetime… but nonetheless i’d like to explore how it feels to keep the same person in my life for a few years at least.  to talk about the things that hurt and willingly lay ourselves bare to each other in an effort to keep the communication flowing.

to want to do the work.

to trust that if we let each other see our hurting places that perhaps we can heal them.

i just think that would be awesome and i seem to not get there.  i seem, instead, to be the healer for people.  not always, i don’t think i had much positive effect on mr. most-recent, but generally.  many of the men i’ve dated/lived with/married have gone from me to something significant and nearly always long lasting (many seem like to stay together until death does them part.)

i’m often the last one before the one.

which is an interesting and bittersweet place to be in.  you can watch people find their path while still wondering why yours is determined to follow such a crazy route.  you start to wonder if you’re capable of the kind of commitment or openness that a real long term relationship requires.

you look back on your men sometimes, the ones that are the happiest or that had the biggest impact, and you wonder what you might have done differently.  how your life would have been if you’d stayed… but you know.

you know it could never have worked out that way.

you know that when you asked your ex husband what you could have done to snap him out of his spiral he told you the truth when he answered “you did it by kicking me out.”  i *know* that nothing else would have helped that man to grow up and i *know* that our marriage was doomed by our immaturity.

but i wonder sometimes.

i wonder what it’s like to find yourself within a healthy relationship for long enough that you start to believe they’ll be there when you get home.  that you think maybe there really isn’t anything you can’t do.  that you look at an old man and see the young man you fell in love with… and the old man you still love.

i wonder what it’s like to be married for over forty years (like my parents) and still find things to talk about and fight about.

i wonder about that but i don’t really expect it for myself.  i wish i believed that that kind of relationship was out there for me but i feel like i missed my chance.  and that’s okay, but still i’d like to make it five or ten years and find out who i am when i’m within that context.

it’s not that i think people who don’t form lasting bonds are incomplete okay?

it’s that i can see that a long term, adult, romantic partnership is a vehicle for personal growth second only to raising a child.  which i would also like to do but am no longer expecting.

i would like to experience those paths since i feel like those parts of myself are underdeveloped.

i know that with my rehabilitaion work i form long term healing partnerships with people and that in many ways i parent my clients through their journeys.  so i know that those parts of myself will be explored to varying degrees.

but i also know that my relationship with my sister is one of the most complex and beautiful vehicles for growth and change in my life; we would never be friends if we met at a party, we just wouldn’t… but we love each other and we keep trying and we keep talking and you know?

this relationship has taught me more about relating to humans than any other experience i’ve ever had and i suspect that that will remain true for years to come.  we have to work so hard to hear each other and to understand each other because we are so very different the one from the other.

but we do the work because we’re worth it.

and here i am, still believing that someday i’ll find someone who wants to do the work with me.

hope… it’s a funny thing.