i understand, you know.

i understand your crazy dedication to your job and how much you love it… and in fact, it’s one of the things that attracted me to you in the first place.  that dedication and passion you bring to your work reminded me of men that i’ve admired in the past and led me to believe i understood the kind of man you are.

i understand that meeting someone who is passionate and at least as smart as you are can be daunting.  i mean heck, i was pretty freaked out when i met you.  well actually, not then; then i just thought we were having a lost weekend so i didn’t really think anything of it.  the freaking out started when you started sending me text messages and flowers within hours of our parting.

and then it got really full bore when you read both my blogs in an afternoon and told me we were perfectly matched.

i understand that in the early moments of meeting me i was amazing and vibrant and the most interesting thing ever, and i understand that that newness wears off.  it always does with me, you know.  usually it takes somewhere between four and eight months, so i must at least give you credit for setting a new land speed record in your trip from discovering my total awesomeness to not being sure if you ever want to see me again.

i understand that you had intentions of staying single for a while after your last mess so that you could get a handle on what you wanted and needed for yourself.  that meeting me was not in your plan.

but meeting someone you connect with?

that doesn’t happen every day and it most definitely doesn’t ever suit a plan.  it happens randomly over dinner with a group of friends, when you bump into each other in the lineup at the grocery store, when you’re cast in a play together, or whatever… but never, no, hardly ever according to any life plan that anyone might have set up.

i understand that you need to backpedal and that you need to go to your little corner and figure this out.  decide if you want kids or even just a lifemate.  decide if your life alone in your house is enough for you or if it isn’t.  if i’m your woman or if you’re going to trade me in for the next one to come along.

i understand that you really believe that withdrawing from me so you could do your thinking was the right thing to do, and that talking to me about it was not the correct thing from your perspective, even though two friends and i were driving down to see you.  after all, i have no say in your life, not really; it’s your life and you have to decide how to live it.

still, i’m not sure you see how hard that withdrawal was to receive. to guess and to wonder what was going on.  to have to confront you to find out that you aren’t sure after all if you want me in your life.  i’m totally sure you have no earthly idea how hard it is to be in your house and sleeping in your bed with nowhere else to go while all this is happening.

or how hard it is on the friends that came to visit you (and had originally planned to stay somewhere else until you encouraged their visit so strongly they accepted your invitation) with me.  and i apologise if you don’t think we know how hard our grumpy mood on arrival was on you.

or what telling a woman not to be sad and not to pretend to be cheerful does to her just after she feels that it was all a big bait and switch.

i get that this is hard for you and that you feel that all of the things i’ve said to you since you dumped me (since i met you?) are fully negative and that there is therefore no point talking to me at all.  though i’m not entirely convinced that you’re hearing the way you’re talking to me.

i understand that you actually think it’s possible to hang out and pretend everything is fine after you tell your purported girlfriend that you don’t know what you want, that you don’t know if you want her, that you think your communication styles are fatally mismatched and that every single thing that comes out of her mouth is apparently some kind of weapon.

i even understand that you think having kids is a dealbreaker for me, though it isn’t,  and that you aren’t sure at all if you want to have them or not.  which would have been fine except that you didn’t talk to me about it.  so many things you didn’t talk to me about; i will never understand why.

what i think you don’t understand?

is that i got dumped today and you won’t say it out loud and somehow you’ve made it my fault and left me just enough hope to hang myself.

—

i wrote this post at four am when i couldn’t sleep because i was so sick and upset over what was happening with the man from the post absence.  he had withdrawn and become distant and uninterested in making further plans with me but continued to assert that he was into me.

my friends and i felt unwelcome from the moment we arrived at his home. eventually, i pushed enough and he told me he was trying to decide what he wanted and that he was not sure he even wanted to date anyone let alone me. that he had had concerns since our meeting (two months ago) about my communication style and my negativity.

this confused me because sure, we teased each other as friends do but if he perceived this as a negative why didn’t he simply say so?  even once?

the following morning (i was sharing his bed and at his house, you can imagine how well things were going) when i attempted to talk to him once more, i was told that my negative reaction to his perfectly natural need to think and my habit of throwing “verbal daggers” and my “unwarranted cruelty” had demonstrated to him that there was to be no positive outcome from this.

so basically because i failed to welcome his contemplation of being unsure he wanted to date me, and because i reacted by feeling dumped and being incredibly sad and hurt and by making a couple of snarky cracks he felt justified in telling my friends and me to “find alternate accommodations.”

far as i can tell?

he never saw me at all…

when the tantus alumina was provided for me to review courtesy of Tantus Inc via sextoys.com i found myself not at all attracted to it in spite of the utter loveliness of the finish and the excellent construction.

my bum she just wasn’t into it.

and since i don’t think it’s fair to review toys that you aren’t into at all i passed it off to naughty cherub and her partner innocent imp (who were very excited) and here are their reviews of this lovely piece of aluminum.

naughty cherub:

i had my eye on tantus’ alumina revolve for a while before i got the chance to try it, and i was really hoping it would live up to my expectations. i was intrigued by the aluminum – i haven’t gotten a chance to play with any aluminum toys before, and i was excited by the prospect of a new material, not to mention the toy’s shape (three bulbs in gradual sizes, with another bulb for the handle). i tried it as a g-spot toy, while my partner tried it anally.

the revolve has some very cool product features, not least of which is that the material used is anodized, 100% aeronautical grade aluminum. tantus makes most of its toys using 100% medical grade silicone, so it does make sense that when they chose to make an aluminum toy it would be of a comparable quality. as well, tantus makes several other aluminum toys which separate into two parts, allowing for mix and match ability between the toys.

another noteworthy feature is the fact that the revolve is definitely a “green” toy, as aluminum is the most abundant metal in the earth’s crust. eco-conscious folks can feel proud of themselves for using this toy.

when i began playing with this toy, the first thing that struck me was the temperature. like all toys that take on the temperature of their surroundings, it was both exciting and required a bit of getting used to on insertion, being quite cold. it took several minutes to warm up to my body temperature, and regained its cold temperature very quickly when i was done using it. though i didn’t try, i would imagine that the toy takes on heat very quickly as well if exposed to it, leading to a very versatile and enjoyable tool when playing with the effects of temperature on the body.

once the toy warmed up to room temperature and i was able to focus on more than just the sensation of temperature, i really enjoyed the feeling of the aluminum inside me. the material was smooth and felt solid, without actually being heavy. the shape of the toy was really excellent for g-spot use.

while being fucked with the toy, the topmost bulb was directly angled to my g-spot, while the other two continually rubbed my vaginal walls and my pussy lips, leading to intense, multiple orgasms. at several points i had to stop moving the toy, as it was almost too intense for me. used vaginally and for g-spot stimulation, this can be a really powerful toy.

this is not an appropriate toy for those who want something which feels natural – this is anything but. likewise to those who want a flexible or more malleable toy. but if solid, hard-as-a-rock toys with beautiful smooth finishes and lovely shapes are your thing, this is a truly excellent one. i would gladly recommend it and will be using it myself lots more in future.

innocent imp:

when i first saw the alumina revolve by tantus, i couldn’t wait to get my ass around it. it just looked so pleasurable. luckily, i was not disappointed.

the revolve comes in an attractive box with a molded foam pocket for ease of storage, and is finished in an eye pleasing anodized purple finish. one of the finer design points of this toy is that it is a modular design, and can be broken down into two pieces via a screw set into the middle of the toy and sealed with a rubber “o” ring. other modules can be purchased separately and attached to the handle to make a seemingly endless variety of new toys.

cherub and i used this toy with a condom on it because we wanted to keep it as safe as possible for vaginal play after being in my ass. that being said, it was a great toy. the anodized aluminum finish is well machined and makes for a smooth, comfortable insertion. the shape is very well designed and teases and toys with the nerves around the anus in a very pleasing way. as the toy moved deeper into my ass it managed to find my p-spot with no trouble at all, and i had to exercise extreme control to prevent myself from cumming right then and there.

my only concern with the toy is its length. i was unable to fully insert the largest of the three bulbs, not because of the width (which i enjoyed), but because it reached the limit of how deep i can take toys into my ass. this problem might be a personal one of my own that others will not experience. however, as i mentioned previously, the width of the toy is great and when i had it in as far as i could take it, i felt pleasantly full without being stretched too much.

while i have no issues regarding the design or manufacture of the toy, one thing that comes into mind is the reliability of the “o” ring. it seems possible, maybe even likely, that bodily fluids and the accompanying bacteria can get into the toy through the “o” ring, particularly as the toy ages and the “o” ring rubber degrades. however, with a proper toy cleaning regimen, and replacement of the “o” ring when it begins to show signs of wear, i believe one can alleviate this concern. overall, the alumina revolve is a great toy that provides intense anal stimulation and a smooth finish for ease of the ol’ in and out.

—

so when asked imp gives this an eight and a half (minus one for the o-ring) and cherub gives it a ten but kinda wishes there was an eleven.  a pretty excellent score for a non vibrating insertable toy!  so if you want this or any other tantus products please head over to sextoys.com!

as some of you may have gathered there has been some sex for me in the last little while.  lovely sex actually with great potential to turn into the kind of sex that disturbs the neighbours.

i’ve also started a long distance relationship.

some of his thoughts can be found here and if you pay attention you might notice that my most recent smut post (across 2) has some echoes in his most recent post (blown out.) i expect cross posting to happen again.

which is kind of weird to me.

but this isn’t about sex, although it could be.

it’s about the spaces between the sex where the rest of you makes connections.

i met this man, utterly randomly, before a conference while twenty people were sharing several dinner tables.  i met him and basically moved into his room for the weekend and by the following morning we were wandering around holding hands.

my friends noticed that he reached for my hand first; and approved.

i noticed his unfailing courtesy and sharp wit.

i didn’t really know if we were having a lost weekend or if we were starting something.  i didn’t know and, at first, i didn’t care.  i cared by the end of the weekend.

i cared but i chose to assume that nothing would come of it; that we were sharing a magical moment and life would continue as it had before; yet i already knew that i would miss him if i didn’t see him again.

fortunately he made it immediately clear that he would miss me too if we should fail to meet again, so that’s what we did, we met again.

we met again in my home and then in his and we have plans to continue this wherever it takes us and it’s exciting.  it’s exciting the way all new relationships are exciting and yet somehow there’s more to it than that.

some of it is my own growth and greater maturity.  there’s a change in approach to relationships after you’ve had a dozen of them; after you realise that no matter how promising the beginning some things needs must end.  that some loves last a lifetime, some a few months and some a few hours… and that that’s okay.

a caution and a slowness that feels essential is born of that and even when all your instincts tell you to close your eyes and dive into the opaque water you don’t do it.  you hold a little piece of yourself back and you wait and see.

some of it is his growth and greater maturity.  this is a man not a boy.

this is a being who has had his own dozen experiences and his own tempering moments.  who is generous to a fault and worries more about your happiness than his own.  who can take care of himself just fine thank you very much and yet might like it if someone cared enough about him to worry.

some of it is better knowledge of my own self and what is necessary to me.

some of it comes of the understanding that if my last boyfriend hadn’t been selfish and immature i wouldn’t now be so clearly able to see the difference between nice and pussy.  between knows his own mind and petulance.

that if the man before that hadn’t been an incredibly generous lover and a peaceful soul i might not appreciate the ease with which we don’t talk to each other or his total failure to count orgasms.

seriously i have had men whine to me about the things i don’t do for them without EVER wondering what they could do for me, trust me this is the WORST way to get more blow jobs… worst.  without this generous lover i might never have learned that it really is better to give than to receive even, no especially when it comes to sex.

i could go on but i won’t, as i believe the point makes itself.

so i feel like maybe i have a chance to figure this guy out well enough to maybe live with him without wanting to kill him… that often.  and i think he maybe thinks that about me…

which is daunting.

but here’s the thing, i feel like maybe the distance between us will help us figure out this thing better than if we lived in the same town.  we will clearly only see each other because we want to badly enough to get on a plane.

we will be forced to take time away from each other to reflect and consider what we’re learning.  to see the rhythms of our seperate lives before we ever consider linking them.

we will have to take our time a little and restrain many otherwise uncontainable impulses thus giving our little fire a chance to grow into something with a deep bed of coals instead of just a quick flame that any little breeze can blow out.

so yeah, maybe the distance is actually a blessing.  maybe.

i’m on a pretty exciting path, i wonder where it goes…

part one

the girl across the way was killing him; in fact she was at it again right now.

there was a man in her apartment, had been for days.  there was a man in there and they were both naked ALL.THE.TIME. and yet he hadn’t seen them *do* anything.

he was like to die with frustration, they were clearly fucking and just as clearly he wasn’t getting to see anything.

so frustrated was he that he almost went out for a beer instead.

almost went out for a beer until he realised that they were spending the night in.  sat around and pretended to work while he kept half an eye on the window below where they were cuddling naked and playing video games and talking.

it looked nice.

sometimes he was even rewarded with views of her glorious body as she went to the kitchen or bathroom and each time he felt a stirring in his centre and wondered if more was to come.

it was.

the blue glow finally disappeared and they were limmed gently by one soft light.  he saw her turn and curl into the man next to her, watched them kiss languidly and stroke each other and he watched, rapt and hard as their blankets slipped and hands roamed.

he saw her hand reach for the man’s penis and stroke, watched it rise quickly as she touched it.  watched but swore he felt her touching him at the same time.

felt her hair stroke his chest as she laved his nipples with her tongue and his own hand reach around to stroke her back.  was sure it was his own head dropping back to drown in her ministrations even as he stared, mesmerized by the scene unfolding before him.

she played with her man’s erect penis for what seemed like hours before she finally dropped her glorious head of hair around his groin and took him into her mouth.  he laughed when she promptly stalked to the bathroom in frustration and returned with her hair up and out of the way; was glad that he would be able to see all of her face as she played.

she dropped to the couch and shared a long kiss with the man in her apartment even as she reached again to his straining erection.  reached and dropped her head to sink his shaft into her throat.

he groaned and dropped his hand to his own member, bottle of lube at the ready.  felt his hand follow her rhythm while he watched, entranced, as she played with her man.  both of them had thrown the blankets off entirely now and the man’s hand was stroking her fantastic ass even as it rose in the air to the rhythm of her bobbing head.

she would occasionally stop and stroke her hands along his raging erection, leisurely playing with the head or the shaft or his testicles while she nibbled at his nipples and ears.  every time that she went in to kiss her man he about died with wishing it was him.  said man had his head dropped back on the sofa and his entire body exposed to the air and looked like he was melting into the cushions on which he rested.

she smiled evilly and dropped her head back down to work in earnest; her head bobbing along with the hand spiraling up and down the shaft.  he could see that she was paying more attention to the sensitive skin around the head than she was to the rest of his member.  said member seemed quite happy at the attention.

her man reached around and poked a finger into her raised buttocks and he could practically feel her groan around his eager penis.  feel her redouble her efforts as she rocked back against the pressure on her anus. he was pretty sure he could see the moisture dripping from her pussy as it winked at him through her windows.

his hand sped around his throbbing cock, sped and grew less nice as he worked himself into a frenzy of lust and frustrated desire.  he felt pulses start in his centre and rush through his member even as his scrotum tightened and his toes started to curl.  he groaned and forced himself to stay upright in his chair, forced his eyes to stay open even as he felt tingles and shudders begin to course through his being.

he groaned and groaned again as he watched the man on the couch finally lose control of his body and shoot into her waiting mouth.  shouted one long, low moan into his empty home even as his seed coated his shaft and belly and his body nearly fell off the chair where he perched at the window.

she collapsed into her man’s shoulder and nearly unmade him when she reached between her legs, stroked her sopping (he was sure) cleft and then traced her man’s mouth with it; even spent as he was he felt ready to go again just at the idea of her juices on her lips.

the girl across the way… she was killing him slowly.

i see you, i see you but you don’t see me.

i saw you walk in and knew from the hint of aureola i spied through your lace blouse that you were feeling adventurous this evening so i paid a little bit of attention to you.

i watched you walk in, your man watching the people around you but still with his hand on your waist like he owned you.  i knew you liked it when i saw your nipples crinkle.

i had to move when i saw your seat.  had to move to watch you. had to move to see you.  to see you but you don’t see me.

there is a space down near the stage where i can appear to watch the band and yet see you; of course i head there.

you are glowing with energy, your body nearly vibrating as you perch there on that stool.  he is still staking his claim to you, his hand resting casually on your thigh at the edge of your skirt.  neither of you know it but one of the lights from the stage shines a spotlight between your legs.

pretty sure that you aren’t wearing panties.

pretty sure that you’re horny as hell since i see you watching that old man.  yeah that old man that is watching you and not the band.  the one with the oblivious wife.  you are making his day and you know it.

your spine arches and i see your eyes drop to half mast.  if i didn’t know better i might even think you were sleeping; but you aren’t.

you let your legs fall open, just a little.  just enough so that he knows that you’re ready.  just enough that i see your whole body jump as his hand grazes you.
just enough that he can reach you.  just enough.

i sit back, my body responding and my own eyes closing slightly.  you have no idea what i can see.  no idea that i know how you trim your beautiful glistening pussy or that i can see his erection.  no idea that i know exactly what you’re doing.

the tempo changes and he moves with it.  speeds his rhythm and adds urgency to his actions.  your legs are splayed now, a wanton display that we are enjoying together.  i feel my toes tighten in response to the glistening shine that flashes me faster and faster.

your spine arches and you bite your lip and his hand stills, finger on clit and pussy on display.  thank you, thank you for letting me see you winking at me across the room.  i nearly erupt right there but i manage to fight it.

i pay my tab quickly, collect my things and then wait.  you are wantonly spread open for the world to see, your hand on his engorged shaft and the agony on his face beauty of another sort.

you rise to leave and i stand slowly to follow although i swing by your seat at the bar on my way.  i slide my finger along it, my reward the slick puddle you left behind.  your scent is exquisite.

ahh lovely, you’re stopping in the bathroom.

i follow of course, follow and arrive to find you sliding your coat back on over your naked torso.  i feel twice blessed now to have seen your perfect breasts and your beautiful vagina.

i laugh and stammer a little but i see your nipples crinkle when you see me looking at them.  i gush into the crotch of my soaked denim jeans and again nearly come right there.

you laugh and do up your coat, sliding your skirt off as you sail out the door.

i wait a little longer this time and follow again.

my pussy pulses against my jeans as i stride after you to the parking lot; i nearly lose you but i see the gleam of a white door moving under the lights and i have you again.

i move in far too close but neither of you is paying attention any longer.  he strips you and leans around you to toss your coat in to the truck.  your skin gleaming under the street lamp above you sends another gush into my poor jeans.

he turns you and slams himself into you just like that.  i’m not sure either of you realise just how loud your answer was.  i lean against the car behind me and unsnap my jeans.  unsnap them and thrust my hands in to my sopping wet pussy.

shove three fingers inside myself and thrust to the rhythm he is fucking you with.  thrust as my other hand finds my nipple and wrenches it brutally.  thrust as it then finds my clitoris and strokes madly.

you scream and buck against him as he shudders his release into your waiting depths.  he groans to the heavens as the last of his pulsations fade into darkness and then collapses over you; the both of you heaving and panting on the seat of the truck.

i slide slowly down the car, my jeans nearly around my knees as i buck against my own hand but imagine that it’s yours.  buck and gush and come right there with a long guttural groan that i can’t quite keep inside.

i wonder if you can hear me.

i get in to some pretty interesting thought processes on occasion; not the least of which involves the idea of arousal.

v., a·roused, a·rous·ing, a·rous·es.

1. To awaken from or as if from sleep.
2. To stir up; excite: The odd sight aroused our curiosity. See synonyms at provoke.
3. To stimulate sexual desire in.

obviously i’m more interested in the first and third definitions but only because i feel like the second is encompassed in them.

one of the core things i’ve been exploring in my quest to find my own sexuality (and that of several of my clients) is this idea of arousal. how to feel it, how to recognize it, how to stir it up and what does and doesn’t work just intrinsically.

some things are arousing to most of us and some are very specific to each person. myself i find the idea of a golden shower to be totally gross BUT i know that there is a whole community of people who enjoy various kinds of scat play.

i know that always aroused girl loves to get her ass royally fucked. and i don’t mean just a little bit, i mean so much so that she maybe won’t feel like a good sex fest is complete if her ass doesn’t get seriously penetrated and worked. me? not so much.

sure i get in the mood to have my bum played with on occasion but it’s certainly not a requirement in a good afternoon of sex. i would be very disappointed if i didn’t get any cunnilingus though, and yet i know several women who don’t like it at ALL when someone licks their pink bits.

i feel bad for these women the way that the anal sex lovers feel bad for me; which simply illustrates that i’m right to state that we really are all different.

underneath those simple superficialities is something more interesting; after my car accident i found that i was never aroused, not ever.

eventually i realised that i could NOT tell the difference between needing to pee and being horny. this still happens on rare occasions but i can usually spot the tells now (not the least of which is what i feel when i wipe AFTER said pee.)

many years of pilates and reconnecting through my pelvis and working the bejesus out of my pelvic floor later and i can certainly feel my arousal. more than that i even seem to notice the little shafts and darts of desire that hit at unexpected moments.

those are great let me tell you.

they’re great and they don’t seem to have any kind of common denominator.

but still what causes them? why are you instantly attraacted to some people and not interested at all in others? how can someone be fascinating in text and boring in person or vice versa? why do some attractions turn into loves and others into lost weekends? how can you want someone instantly and not care about their name and then want someone else but decide to date them for a month before fucking them?

why is it that some folks arouse your brain and some your body and some your entire being?

i understand about pheremones; i even know that most of the time it’s your own pheremones that are sinking or swimming your arousal ship.

but why does the smell of fresh sweat, new oil and old grease on a man make my knees wobble where perfume makes me nauseous? why does wit make me horny but a brainiac who is all about how smart he is totally turns me off? why is homophobia a dealbreaker for me and a requirement for someone else?

can it really all be just about smell? is mother nature really still driving this train?

what keeps love alive in long distance couples if it’s only about noses? how come i am attracted to so FEW people in a meaningful way? why isn’t my nose dragging me over to some man on the subway?

are we better off to trust our instincts or our minds? our brains or our guts? our hearts or our friends? our noses or our genitals?

actually if you don’t trust your nose when it warns you off? you’re an idiot.

can it really be so simple? just our noses? and if that’s so why does talking to a certain man on the phone get me aroused?

can it be that my nose *remembers* him?

and if not, then what?

or

things you forget about sex when you haven’t had any in a while…

*

that it hurts – so good

that delicious feeling when you pee and your vagina feels all well used and achy but somehow satisfied nonetheless

how much work it actually is

how much fun it actually is

how hard it is to pee directly after sex – stupid uti prevention

how satisfying that deliciously full feeling can actually be

condoms suck – female condoms suck less

how tired your muscles get

the requirement that one has actual fitness or at least a little cardio

how exhausting it is

how relaxing it is

how unimportant orgasms really are

that you really do forget how it feels even if you think you remember

that there is a difference between having sex and making love… but that you can in fact fuck and make love at the same time

that one person’s kink is another person’s vanilla

that sex is inherently hysterically funny

that my poor inner thighs complain more than anything else.  clearly i must needs work my adductors

pheremones!

how high you get if the sex is actually fun

how much better a real partner is than a sex toy

how much better a sex toy is WITH a partner

how much better a sex toy is than no sex at all (or solo sex with only your hand as a partner ALL.THE.TIME)

the wonderful smells

how messy it is

how out of practice the parts get.  kind of like a rusty engine

how much fun it is

how much fun the not sex parts are – you know like waking up in the morning and someone else is there

that sometimes not having sex is better than having it – and other times?  not so much.

that it’s easier to not be getting any when it’s been a year than when it’s been one day – jones!

that it’s ridiculously fun

showers are awesome but shared showers are better

that no matter how sore your bits are?  more will sound like a good idea

that you will have inexplicable bruises

and muscle aches

and silly smiles

that it is inherently undignified

that chemistry is about more than just pheremones

that every single thing that you think every person likes will turn out to be a squick for someone

how different partners are one from the other… and how many assumptions we make about them

what it feels like.

hi all,

battery here again. my schedule got a bit busy, but i managed to find the time to try out this new toy from babeland and, boy, am i ever happy that i did.  i actually tried it twice, just to make sure i could do it justice.

the first time i tried it, i didn’t have much time (in a hotel room at a conference when my roommate came back… didn’t seem appropriate to be moaning in the bathroom), so i tried it at home, again in the shower. the toy in question is the ‘peridise: unisex anal pc toy’ by aneros, makers of fine anal toys. let’s go from the outside-in.

the package:

i am a fan of the colour scheme of the package, which is red, black, and white. simple and classy, the font (century gothic) reflects the simple, smooth shape and texture of the toy itself. point for that. i’d have to say, though, that i’m not a big fan of the conventional plastic clamshell package the peridise comes in. i have seen more innovative, and more sustainable, ways to package toys. it’s not a huge issue, but one to be considered by manufacturers and consumers alike.

the toy:

soft and smooth, i ran the toy through my fingers a few times to get a feel for it. i have to admit that i didn’t really see the appeal of the toy when i first saw it. i head heard that it was a fucking amazing creation, but i was confused by its size. the toy comes in a set of two, one bigger and one smaller, and there are two sets available: beginner and advanced. i got the beginner set, given that i haven’t tried it before. the strange thing is that the “beginner” size is bigger than the “advanced.” given that i’m a bit of a size queen and have had my fair share of anal action, i was highly skeptical.

and then i tried it.

going in:

the instructions are to slowly insert the head of the toy into your bum. once the head is in, you are to use your anal muscles to bring in the rest of it. then, using a combination of pressure, positioning, and muscle contraction, your are supposed to experience bliss.

never having been one to follow instructions or to proceed with caution, i pushed it all the way in. maybe it’s because i’m busy, but i just don’t have the time to take an hour and a half to build up my orgasm – i’m on the go and expect my climaxes to keep up with me.

this toy kept up. in fact, there were times when it was driving.

within minutes, i was the loosest i’ve been since that dp 3-some. [thanks, i really wanted to picture you like that, my life is complete - big] my ass was in a happy, happy place – and it wanted more.

the curves and über-smooth texture hit just the right places and the little handle at the end makes it perfect for maneuvering it to press against my prostate. pushing it in and pulling it out, to the front, back, and sides, just at my sphincter and all the way in – i tried it all. when i combined it with the aforementioned contractions of various parts of my pelvic floor and anal canal muscles, these feelings just intensified.

also an interesting sensation: “pushing out” instead of “pulling in” – definitely worth a try. i got lost in the movement. i got lost in the sensation. i am happy that hot water is included in my rent – this turned into one long-ass shower.

thinking that i had pretty well tried everything, i figured it was time to push myself over the edge. i had read some pretty spectacular comments about the peridise’s effect on orgasms, so i wanted to see for myself if it were true. for the record, i’m usually pretty good at getting myself off, especially if i take a little while to do it and do more than just jack off. while coming to completion, i had a random thought – what about if i spin the toy around while it was inside me?

oh.my.god.

the sensation was so intense that i fell over; and i had been kneeling. this toy gets a full 10/10 because it is so beautifully deceiving. in this case, very good things come in small packages. i like that it aims to work out your anal muscles (something that improves orgasms and erection longevity), and i like that even i, whose motto is often ‘the bigger, the better,’ had such a wonderful experience with something so small.

this toy is great for anal beginners and experts alike. i’d suggest giving yourself several hours to really get into it and to try out the hands-free approach and to experiment with combinations of, as the box says, pressure, depth, and position, but also, as i so gratefully learned, spinning. all in all, one of the best toys i’ve tried.

if you give it a chance, the peridise will take you to paradise.

i know what you want.

you want to take me and stand me in a room with a bed nearby and kiss me.  you want to take me and strip my clothing from me one piece at a time.  reverent almost as you caress my skin through the smooth cloth and slowly work it off my body.

you want to hear my breath catch in my throat and see my eyelids flutter as you feel my weight rest ever more on your arms.  you want me to sway into your body and breathe into your neck as you stroke my skin and leave goosebumps behind.

you want to drag me in to an incredibly hot shower and wash all of me excruciatingly slowly while i lose any strength i once had in my knees.  feel me swoon and slide down your water slicked body to your feet; feel my mouth take you inside until you rise a little extra.

you want us to make out like teenagers in the shower until you are throbbing and i am wet and slick in spite of the water sluicing away my natural lubricant.  to push me against the wall under the shower head and lift me on to your cock even as my legs make their way around your beautiful back.

to hold me in your trembling arms as our mouths come together and i slide agonizingly slowly down your rock hard shaft;  slide until we are joined at our centres and our mouths.  until we pulse with each other and yet hardly move.  feel each other shiver and tremble and move oh so little with so much impact.

lose ourselves in each others heat until you groan and tear your mouth from mine and growl “bed, now” into my ear.  an ear you nibble on even as you woefully ease your length from my body and we drag our weak kneed selves in to the bedroom.

the bed is going to be soaked.

you want me to stumble at least twice on the twenty foot trip from the shower to the bed before you push me ever so gently and i fall to the mattress.  you want to cover me from behind and stroke my clitoris with your penis until i beg you to fuck me.  until i thrash beneath you and press my bottom in to your abdomen.

want to pick up my hips as your kneel up behind me and then impale me as i gasp and press back against you.  press my ass against your thighs and groan as your long fingers find my clitoris and then release to drive me from behind.

drive me into bucking against you and every slap of your balls against my aching clit pushes a gasp from my throat and a squeeze in my vagina.  you want to fill me even more and feel me begin to milk you as your steady rhythm drives me ever closer to orgasm.

you want to hear me cry out and feel me shudder and quake around you.  want my onrushing orgasm to drag quakes and quivers out of your body.  want me to feel you lose your rhythm and pulsate inside me and let out a deep shout even as your body erupts into mine.

you want me to scream as my body reacts to yours and releases a further gush of liquid around your still thrusting penis.  want to feel the walls of my vagina slap against you and my knees give way beneath you.

want us to collapse in a trembling and laughing heap on sheets soaked with water and our come.  to lay there, sated only for the moment before one stirs and the other responds.

i know what you want.

have you ever had a moment with a lover that felt rather transcendent?

a moment you didn’t even tell your girlfriends or buddies about because somehow there wasn’t anything to say?  that, in fact, you didn’t blog about or even really talk about because it was like a little treasured gem just for you?

my most recent ex and i had such a moment on vacation last year.  it was… amazing and fun and words would never ever manage to do it justice.

what’s funny is that he always wanted me to write it. in fact the experience would have become hotter for him had he been able to read my take on it.  the internal monologue as it were.

but i can’t write it,  even now when i’m over him and he has a new girlfriend?

even now when i know that our love didn’t last?  that whatever was going on with us was passing?

this is not to take away from the significance of our experiences with each other at all.  just to say that we’re done and he’s moved on (in love even maybe.)

and still i can’t write it.

or maybe it’s that i don’t want to, i’m not sure how to tell the difference.

sometimes i just don’t want to put it out there and share it with everyone.  sometimes i just want it to be mine.  sometimes i don’t want to imagine people imagining me doing something i did.  wow english fail much?

this is a little funny since it’s the very posting of my sex life that titillates me.  the idea that out there, right now, there is someone seeing my wordz and feeling themselves stiffen or moisten or shudder or maybe even gush or spurt.

oh so delicious, it arouses me regularly, this idea that someone is reading my smut and masturbating.  i often imagine writing the scene while i’m still in it but just as often i write the scene and then fantasize about it while i play with myself.  or even better; fantasize about someone reading it and getting off or acting it out.

i find certain comments particularly delicious for this (yes, that’s a hint.)

every now and then i’ll have a vibe on me while i write but that’s pretty rare, although when i do do that the resulting post post orgasm is unbelievable.  but somehow the writing and the orgasming don’t really have to be anywhere near each other in time to complement each other.

all of that said, the question isn’t how to write sex but when.

how to know when what you’re saying will enhance memories of an experience and when it won’t.  what to do if they want to blog about it and you don’t?  how to ask someone not to blog something.  how to explain to someone that you would, in fact, rather not blog this particular experience.

the more public an anonymous blog gets the more trouble these questions engender.

at first it’s so simple, you get five hits a week and no one you know has any idea that you have another blog.  you write down any little fantasy that pops into your fertile imagination and your blog starts to grow.  cut to two years later when you have an audience and a couple of exes who know where it is and some of your friends read it because it’s “really good and interesting” and several members of the “sex blogger community” know your name and what you look like and the easy imaginary scenes are a little harder to find in the depths of your mind.

and then your brain starts to interfere with your posts.  will your (now ex) boyfriend be offended if you discuss how pissed you are with him on your blog?  what about that long distance friend or two you want to shag… do you post your fantasies about them?  what if they read them?

do you really want some thousand people to read the details of something that happened in private/in the ocean/ at the park/ in the cemetary/ on the car/ against the window sill?  or your fantasies of same?

if you’re me the answer is yes.

it’s just that it’s only yes most of the time.

suddenly it’s harder to write the private stuff.  to talk about the things that hurt or aren’t working or might offend the man in your life.  to find the balance between being true to self and blog and being true to loved ones and their needs.

balance, so hard to find, so easy to screw up.

what do y’all do about this?